When Magic Screamed
by SummerQuill
Summary: Once Dragoon is gone again and Merlin is back to his usual self he must cope with the fall out of his mistakes. Unfortunately some things may be damaged beyond repair and this time it's his magic that is suffering. Set after series 4
1. Chapter 1

**This is an emotion filled flight of fancy or whatever you want to call it. So prepare for angst for poor Merlin…**

**HUGE SPOILERS FOR SERIES 4.** **I advise you do not read this if you haven't seen up to episode 3 of the new series. I wasn't going to write while the new series was airing but well… I really couldn't stop myself this time at least :P**

**Merlin doesn't belong to me! I bow to the awesomeness of series 4! Truly amazing. **

**Hope you enjoy **

Merlin paced past Gaius, aiming for the door to his room as fast as he could. He wouldn't be stopped not today, he hadn't stopped when Gwen called out to him, or when Gwaine had tried to drunkenly slump on him, he hadn't stopped once and so he didn't when Gaius called out to him in a concerned voice.

He slammed quickly through his door and shut it hurriedly behind him hearing Gaius rage at the door for some unknown reason. Good, it was good that the physician was angry; it meant he wouldn't follow and Merlin couldn't deal with him following now.

He'd just managed to slam the door shut when he stumbled. Breathing raggedly and he reached desperately for his chest. He tore away his blue neckerchief in a hurry and reached for the skin that burned and twisted, the pain ripping him apart to the very core and resounding within his soul.

His hand came against bare unmarked skin and he whimpered. Toeing off his shoes mostly on reflex he fell in to his bed with a gasp. Gods it hurt. Nothing had ever hurt quite as much as this and after the week he had had that was saying something.

Lying on his bed he felt his body begin to twitch. Sharp flashes of agony radiating from his chest and jumping down his arms and legs, he choked as his lungs began to struggle, as the emotions of the past few days were dredged up to the front of his mind while flashes of lighting streaked through his bones. It was the most painful attack he had suffered yet and it wouldn't be the last.

"_All I know for sure is that I have lost both my parents to magic…"_

A wave of agony shot straight up Merlin's spine, forcing his head back as tremors shook his slim form. It felt as if his very heart were tearing itself apart. His eyes blurred as they filled with tears, knowing the words before they were played back to him clear as day in his mind.

"_It is pure evil," _

This time he couldn't stifle the near scream that tore itself from his throat. The pain in his spine spiked to new levels, his heart screaming out its own panicked beat as his whole body seemed to be attempting to tear itself apart. Tears began to streak down his face as his eyes flashed through rapid shades of gold. He couldn't see, for the moment he seemed blinded by his memories, of Arthur's broken voice. His arms were shaking as he brought them around himself, hugging his chest. He rolled on to his side facing the wall. 'Breath, just keep breathing'. And then those words came

"_I'll never lose sight of that again."_

Agony. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered, everything was broken, turn to sinders in his hands. Goodbye great destiny, goodbye _Arthur_, it was a shame they would never meet properly.

He could hear it rushing through his ears, a death scream of pure agony and it was his. Not vocal, not voiced but it was his… his magic, in agony, it was dying. He didn't even know if he should help it.

A fresh bout of agony and a howl of pain. Merlin closed his burning eyes, burning gold. The familiar words were still on his lips, always repeating so he would never forget.

"_I've turned Arthur against it forever_…" He whispered, closing his eyes all the tighter, "_He'll never know who I really am._"

Merlin's head thudded against his bed as he thought of the reply. Because Arthur _needed_ him and Merlin had to be there for him, he did… and that had kept him going, it really had. He wanted to stay, but this was different. This agony was everything, his Magic and himself.

"_It is pure evil..."_

"_You are a loyal friend Merlin…"_

He would serve and protect Arthur to the end of his days. Arthur called him_ friend, _something he had never really expected to hear over time. Merlin had always been a friend to Arthur, but this went beyond that. Arthur was his closest living friend.

But Merlin was magic, he didn't practice it, didn't cast it, he was magic to his very core. A creature of magic just like Killgharah.

It hurt beyond anything to hear those words. That after his years in Camelot Arthur would finally call him friend while simultaneously damning him as evil. He'd never thought he'd feel so loved and so hated at the same time.

For years Merlin had to pretend to be someone else so that he could remain in Camelot protecting Arthur, waiting for the one day he could show his true self. Now it looked as if this day would never come.

"_You are a loyal friend Merlin…"_

Merlin was a traitor, had been lying since he met Arthur, lying about his true self. This… fake Merlin he had become was Arthur's loyal friend and servant, he was the one who lived and belonged here and fit in like everyone else. His magic…

"_It is pure evil..."_

Arthur would never meet his true self. He had realized the moment he sat outside the great hall waiting for his then Prince and it hurt, hurt more than anyone could possibly imagine. But that still wasn't it, that wasn't what left him in crippling agony, certainly not all of it.

It was the realization in the dark as he sat on the stone cold floor waiting still. It wasn't about Arthur choosing between Merlin and his father any more, not about where Arthur's loyalties lie.

It was Merlin's choice between his best friend -the one he was tied to by destiny- and his magic, the magic that had been with him in the dark and the storms since he was a baby, which had been there for him his entire life. He had to choose between things as vital to him as the air he breathed.

And he couldn't.

Arthur hated the very core of him, his own beating heart.

That was when the pain started.

'Magic is a force, neither of good nor evil' you can't blame magic for its doings as you couldn't blame any force of nature. But that isn't to say that it isn't aware and Merlin's magic was very special and very alive. He was magic and that which resided in him knew more than any would ever credit it.

Because somehow in that moment it knew, it heard the words Arthur had spoken, felt the void that tore the world and destiny apart, it _felt_ the pain of its master and the choice he had been given. It felt everything and in that moment it screamed. Agony tore through magic and in to its bearer and it wouldn't stop.

So every few hours when Arthur just happened to smile his way, or showed that glowing trust in his eyes there just for Merlin… his magic would cry out in pain. It was tearing him apart from the inside.

Merlin rolled on to his side feeling the last pangs of energy shock through him as his magic calmed, the wailing agony fading to a whimper. Merlin opened his eyes feeling the last of his tears slide down his face. He cradled his chest tighter, hugging himself or his magic or both- he couldn't even be sure if they were still one and the same. His shoulders shook with despair.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispered.

He didn't even know who he was talking to but he had to say something. Because he couldn't think of how to even begin making any of this better. He closed his eyes tightly as he tried to slow his breathing. Finally he opened his eyes.

A flash of red caught his eye and he glanced down to see his red neckerchief lying discarded on the floor. He stared at it for a moment, feeling a tear run down his nose before dropping on to his bed. With one shaky hand he reached out to pick up the material, feeling the rough cloth beneath his fingers. He'd worn it the day he came to Camelot.

Without a second thought he was burying his face in the material, clutching it to his chest in some desperate attempt to hold on.

_All I know for sure is that I have lost both my parents to magic_

_It is pure evil_

_I'll never lose sight of that again._

Merlin clutched it to his chest and closed his eyes against the fresh tears burning behind his eyelids. He had a choice to make.

"_You are a loyal friend Merlin…"_

**Wow that was angsty to write phewph. I love reviews very ,very, very much so I would love it if you hit the very wonderful review button and screamed/shouted/ expressed your complete indifference, anything at all, would love to hear what you think. **

**I don't know if I should carve a story out and keep this going so that will also be up to reviews and what you all think :) so continue or leave as a mildly depressing one shot – It's up to you! **

**Goodbye for now and thanks for reading  
>SQ<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**STOP! ****Don't read this if you haven't seen episode 4 S4**

**First of all, wow. Thank you all so much for reviewing I have been very shocked at the amount of feedback and very, very, very happy. So thanks all :D  
>I would feel guilty if I didn't continue so won't be a one shot after all :P<br>I am building up a shaky plan… but that's how I usually start so nothing new there. **

**I decided to involve the next episode, just because it was there but the focus will remain mostly on the problems in the first chapter. **

**Hope you enjoy**

It had been a week, a week of pained smiles and silent cries of pain. It had been a week and he still couldn't chose. Then the new problem arose, the new 'threat' to Camelot in the form of the last Dragon egg. Killgharah's last chance and the first time the Great Dragon had almost begged him for his help. It was if anything a welcome distraction, and maybe a reminder of where else his loyalties lie.

Sure it meant more lies, more deception. But just for a little while that had been alright. Because the last betrayal had already been dealt, because Killgharah was his kin and he couldn't refuse him. Really not even Merlin knew the true reason but when that small white head had peaked through the egg shell and Merlin felt that extra tug, that new bond that sang that he wasn't alone, then he _knew_ it had all been worthwhile.

Merlin stood in the clearing feeling as if his heart were singing. The events of the night had woken something deep within his magic, maybe it was an affect of Killgharah's happiness or maybe it was just the sight of the new born white dragon nattering at him in what apparently counted as baby talk.

The Dragon Lord in him was happy, unfortunately he wasn't quite content. He'd stood in the clearing for some time, watching as Killgharah got over his joy to realize he now had a very small, very vulnerable dragon under his care and watched with further enjoyment as the high and mighty dragon prepared to face his greatest challenge yet.

Parenthood.

For awhile the sight had filled him with happiness and he felt… safe and _welcome_ for the first time in he didn't know how long. As the small infant nattered and rolled around, finding its feet and the larger older dragon watched on in happy shock he felt for a moment almost as if he were with family. To an extent he was… and it felt good.

They were very different to him, a different species_, _but they were his kin and he felt more at home with them now then he had in months.

His magic hurt to watch them leave.

As he saw Killgharah carrying the small creature away –they had spent some time watching the poor thing flop about trying to work its wings before they decided against teaching her to fly- his sprit soured at seeing them free and happy, as they were always meant to be.

His magic however whimpered as he remembered how Arthur thought them dead, twisted at the thought of yet more lies, yet more of Merlin that Arthur could never know. It was enough to send the beginnings of what felt like lightning shooting from his heart and through his limbs, forcing him to gasp for a moment. Merlin closed his eyes tightly and tried to regain control of his breathing.

It was dark, practically the dead of night and there was very little chance of being spotted at this time. But still something in his chest squeezed at the thought of losing control out in the open, even somewhere as far from the beaten track as this. He'd felt it almost every time he'd used magic lately, a slight hesitance, almost like a tug from his chest as he began to cast.

It hadn't stopped him of course, he still needed to protect Arthur and he had sworn to the dragon that he would do all he could to retrieve the dragon egg. Now it was stronger than before, a warning that resent events wouldn't fix what had been harmed and if anything his further disloyalty to Arthur would only prove to worsen his control.

His magic was still mourning for its loss of Arthur, like a kicked dog it simpered in the dark only to bubble with anger and hurt when his emotions became harder to control. Merlin had found it easiest to block it out when he could, focus on being a good servant, a good friend. But all the same when he reached for his magic he felt the same hollowed out pain that resided permanently in his own chest, more painful than ever.

With a heavy sigh Merlin walked away from the clearing, from where he had met his kin. Killgharah wouldn't have to be alone any more; the Great Dragon once again had family. Merlin pushed his hands deeper in to his pockets and focused as best as he could on the path home. He was glad that his kin was safe, he just tried not to linger on the thought that his closest friends had wished and now believed them dead.

His magic hummed quietly under his skin as he walked, much like it used to when things were normal, quite and reassuring, but the sadness was still there. He had always been able to feel when there was something he was missing, feel his magic twist as if it were trying to tell him something or freeze in warning like a startled animal when something was wrong. His magic just simply seemed to _know_ things. But it had never felt quite like this, never felt so hurt of betrayed, never so… damaged.

Feeling the pangs of pain from his magic getting worse Merlin quickened his pace towards his destination, skipping quickly on to the path that would take him in to Camelot and hunching his shoulders forward as if that simple act would make him faster.

He needed to get back. Breathing in deeply Merlin fixed his eyes on the towering form of the castle not so far away and the lights of the city alive and well, shining through the darkness. It was a beacon of hope if ever he saw one and hope lately was something that came in short supply. Hurrying along the path Merlin cut off his thoughts and fixed his eyes on the road ahead. He would just keep walking, keep walking and think of nothing else and if he had any luck at all that would get him back home.

-M-

King Arthur sighed as he pressed his head against the wall in the hallway. He couldn't sleep, he struggled to get sleep most nights but tonight for some reason seemed to be especially hard. In pure desperation he had taken to walking the castle halls, ducking in and out of servants passages if he heard anyone coming and generally doing his best to remain out of sight.

Nothing seemed to help though and the only thing he earned for his troubles was a headache, radiating painfully from the center of his head and down his back. He'd moved in the direction of the physicians chambers twice already but changed his mind at the last moment. He may be King but he tried not to wake the physician in the night unless it was desperate, knowing the old man needed his sleep and more importantly just how grumpy he could be if he didn't get it.

But it seemed his head was only getting worse, the pain spiking as he leant back against the wall to rest and he couldn't put off going to see Gaius for long. With a low moan he dragged himself from the wall and began pacing to the end of the small servants passageway, he wasn't far from Gaius's chambers and ignoring the pain in his head he put one foot in front of the other and started to march there as fast as he could.

He didn't hear the scuffle of someone else's approach until he reached the end of the corridor and someone tall and fast careered in to his side. All at once Arthur's head felt as if it had been set on fire. Everything went very bright and an overwhelming sense of w_rongness_ seemed to radiate from his very bones. Someone cried out in pain and he couldn't be sure it wasn't him; agony just seemed to be everywhere.

At some point he became aware of the wall at his back and his legs stretched out in front of him and everything looking slightly bigger than it had before. His addled mind took a moment to realize he was actually slumped on the floor. Black splotches floated around his vision threatening to drag him in to unconsciousness but he blinked them back and forced himself to focus on the hallway around him.

With a flash of dread he realized he still had another two long corridors to make it through before he made it to Gaius's chambers. He was looking around blearily when he found what, or rather who, had run in to him.

Arthur blinked in surprise as he saw the lithe form doubled up against the opposite wall. He was on the floor, dark hair in a mess and pale skin almost luminescent as one shaking hand clutched the side of his head.

"M-Merlin?" Arthur called irritated as his voice wavered under the pain.

Merlin's shoulders shook, a full body flinch racking his figure before dark blue eyes finally slid up to meet his. He didn't say anything but Arthur didn't have to ask to know he felt terrible; beads of sweat had appeared on his brow while his eyes seemed raw with agony. Arthur opened his mouth to ask if he was alright but as Merlin's head began to dip back down to his chest Arthur bit back the useless question. Unfortunately Merlin looked as if he was going to give up and lose consciousness at any moment if someone didn't do something. Arthur forced his shaky voice to work again.

"M- What was that?"

Merlin if possible looked slightly paler, his bleary eyes losing almost all their focus as they dropped to the floor. He opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out. Glancing back up at Arthur he shrugged minutely before he started to shiver, looking worse than miserable.

"Don't close your eyes Merlin." Arthur gritted out.

Merlin's eyes darted back open and up to his obediently with a sort of bleary distant look about them. The look sent shivers of fear up Arthur's spine but he squashed the emotion for now, focusing on getting them to the physician's chambers where Gaius would hopefully be able to help them.

Pushing his back against the wall Arthur urged his legs to work and ignoring the shaking managed to steadily push himself to standing. Merlin's bleary gaze followed him up and for a moment Arthur was worried he would have to physically drag the servant along, something he wasn't confident he could manage at the moment.

Breathing carefully Arthur kept one arm on the wall as he pushed himself forward a whole step in to the empty corridor. Merlin flinched back and Arthur felt his stomach twist to see his friend so afraid but before he could move forward to help him Merlin was gripping on the wall and slowly pulling himself to his feet. Arthur reached out an arm but Merlin didn't seem to see it, blindly pulling himself up until he was swaying in place, clinging to the wall.

"We have to get to Gaius's" Arthur managed feeling his own head pound with his words.

Merlin nodded mutely and closing his eyes briefly managed to steady himself. He opened his eyes with a determination Arthur had seen go to battle with and took a shaky step forward. Dark stormy eyes darted to Arthur's and for a moment some of the bleariness seemed to fade.

"Come on then."

And he took off before Arthur with a steadiness he envied.

"I believe we already discussed who should be giving who the orders _Mer_lin." Arthur called tiredly, the halfhearted joke went ignored and Arthur followed his servants noticing how Merlin's shoulders were still shaking painfully.

Arthur's head pounded one last time and he felt slightly sick as he followed his friend in the hope Gaius would at least have some answers.

**Thanks for reading, hope it's ok I wanted to get it up before the next episode distracts me :P**

**Reviews loved and appreciated. Suggestions are also open if you want anything in the story at some point but if not I shall keep working on my shaky plan anyway and see where it gets to. **

**Thanks again  
>SQ<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry I' late! National novel writing month + English transformations + applications for UCAS and I am soooo over worked.  
>Thanks for your lovely reviews they kept me at work under stress.<br>But here it is –a bit of a filler- but I hope it's up to par. **

**Hope you enjoy **

Gaius woke with a huff as voices made their way in to his work room. He was a light sleeper despite what Merlin claimed and so he was fully aware even before a rather groggy sounding Merlin began rudely shaking his shoulder.

"Alright, alright." He grumbled batting the hands away.

Merlin retreated instantly and Gaius sighed blinking the sleep from his eyes. He assumed Merlin came to tell him about that results of the Dragon egg and sat up to ask him about it when his eyes caught sight of King Arthur leaning against the work table rubbing at his eyes. Gaius's mouth snapped shut with a light click and he exchanged a worried glance with Merlin.

"Is everything alright?" he asked slowly.

Merlin opened his mouth to answer and Gaius noticed how pale he was looking. Paler then normal and certainly paler then he had this morning, his eyes seemed glazed which beads of sweat were gathering on his forehead giving him a feverish look. Before Merlin could gather the words however Arthur was speaking, pushing himself away from the table as he did.

"No Gaius, there is… something wrong with us."

Gaius stared at them for a moment trying to work around the rather cryptic sentence as his eyes darted suspiciously from his King to his Ward. Maybe it was the late night or the fact that his eye brow had reached new heights more than once today but his exhausted mind couldn't seem to come up with anything that would link current events to this sudden outburst.

"How so sire?" Gaius asked uncertainly.

Arthur frowned seeming to think about this for a moment. Merlin opened his mouth again but was once more cut off by the frustrated King.

"I couldn't sleep, Gaius. I haven't been able to sleep properly for days."

"That is hardly surprising my lord, a simple sleeping draught-"

"That is not the problem Gaius." Arthur said waving him off, "I went for a walk to clear my head when I suddenly felt ill. I was just coming to see you when I ran in to Merlin." here he trailed off looking certain, "It felt as if… I don't know how I can explain it, like fire burning my mind. I almost blacked out and when I came to Merlin was on the floor."

Arthur threw Merlin a look as if silently asking him to back up his explanation. Merlin nodded though his expression was unreadable and when he spoke his voice seemed flat and controlled.

"I felt it too."

This was all he seemed willing to add and so Gaius pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the pop of his protesting limbs. This didn't sound like any ailment he knew of, head pains were hardly irregular but they were not something that could be caused or transferred so quickly by another person. Or not by natural means anyway if they were discounting hours of Merlin's usual ramblings.

"Are you still in pain?" he asked already crossing the room to retrieve something to deal with it.

Arthur glanced to Merlin as if expecting to answer for the both of them.

"Yes," the servant sighed, "though not as bad as before."

Satisfied Arthur's eyes flickered back to the physician. He crossed his arms over his chest and pushed back the instinct to scowl as his head complained sharply. Merlin simply fixed his gaze somewhere on the floor and looked as blank and distant as physically possible. The scene was a disconcerting sight when Gaius turned; the bottles needed help tightly within his grasp.

"I can give you both something for the pain but if you think you know something of the cause it may be of use." He said quickly brushing his concerns aside.

"Nothing I can think of." Arthur replied as Merlin slowly shook his head.

Humming under his breath Gaius picked out two small cups and began pouring the recommended dose of the thick grayish liquid in to each. Looking down he didn't see the identical looks of disgust that flickered across his patients faces. As he finished pouring he saw Arthur give the drinks a determined look while Merlin was seriously considering trying to avoid the medicine all together.

"_Merlin._" Gaius said in a warning tone.

Arthur looked up surprised but Merlin merely sighed before pacing forward to retrieve the nearest drink. Gaius passed the remaining one to Arthur.

"Best to drink it quickly." He advised.

"That's what you always say." Merlin pointed out.

Arthur chuckled, exchanging a strained smile with his servant before downing the medicine under the watchful gaze of their concerned physician.

Arthur obviously had more questions and was about to ask them when the full force of the liquids 'flavor' hit him, leaving him choking. Merlin who had become used to the constant dose of foul medicine simply scrunched his eyes shut in disgust.

"It's best you hurry back to your chambers sire." Gaius said quickly as the King began to recover, "in your tired state I cannot be certain the mixture won't also have a drowsy affect."

It was a lie of course, his eyes flicking to give Merlin a sharp look before he had even finished his sentence. Arthur was too busy trying to recover his taste buds as he stood almost doubled up to notice the silent conversation going between his friend and Gaius. He grimaced at the thought he wouldn't get any of his answers. As if feeling his reluctance to leave Gaius turned his attention back to the struggling King.

"I shall hopefully have more to tell you tomorrow sire after I have been given time to do some research."

"Of course." Arthur sighed, nodding, "I'll see you in the morning Merlin." Arthur said moving towards the door, "goodnight."

He was gone before either of them even considered answering and Gaius's eyes narrowed as they fixed on Merlin.

"What happened?" he asked sharply.

Merlin sighed shuffling back until his legs were pressed against the work bench. He'd suspected Gaius was still angry about what had happened to the leech tank… and later the assortment of pots by the door when he was in a particularly bad mood, but it wasn't as if he had done the whole thing on purpose. Lately more and more things seemed to be happening out of his control.

"I don't know Gaius." He started hesitantly; "I was on my way back when I started to…" he trailed off.

He hadn't told Gaius about the pain yet. He'd talked about Arthur's hatred of magic, of the likely permanent ban on magic. He'd said a lot of things but he couldn't quite bring himself to describe what his magic was doing to him, not about its habit of lashing out at the occasional pot or leech tank and certainly not about the all encompassing pain that rocked through him whenever he was reminded of the rift between himself and Arthur.

No he'd always said it was an accident, that he was over tired or feeling ill –preferably not the last as it would always result in being poked and prodded as Gaius looked for the cause-. Merlin shook his head tiredly, feeling part of him scream to tell Gaius while another shied away from the thought like a frightened animal.

"I was just thinking… about all that has happened." Merlin said carefully, "I'm going behind his back Gaius, behind all their backs. What I'm doing is right and I don't regret it but I _am_ betraying them." Merlin sighed rubbing at his eye, "It's as if we are on different sides all together. It hurt, thinking about what Arthur would do if he ever found out about all I've done. He would never forgive me Gaius."

Merlin closed his eyes briefly and pushed back on the growing ball of hurt in his chest that seemed about ready to force its way in to his throat and stop any more words from leaving his head. The shocking electric pain almost seemed dulled to a slow constant ache that made his head constrict. It wasn't as painful but it was still there and still unpleasant. Gaius wasn't entirely sure if he could reassure his fears and instead prompted him on.

"What happened next?"

"It hurt," Merlin sighed deciding to echo Arthur's words, "I didn't feel well, I was almost here when I ran in to Arthur… my head felt like it was going to explode, I thought I was going to be sick and then I was just on the floor, Arthur lying across from me."

"Did you feel anything happen? With your magic I mean."

Merlin fought down the spike of panic and shot Gaius a sharp look.

"If this is about the pots-" he started.

"Merlin whether or not your magic does have something to do with this it is an option that should be considered. You have lost control more than a few times this week alone, is it not possible that some of your feelings considering what has been happening may have-"

"We would- I would never hurt Arthur." Merlin snapped quickly cursing himself for his mistake.

He watched as Gaius's eyebrows drew together in concern as he watched his ward closely.

"I was never suggesting that you did so on purpose Merlin." Gaius said carefully.

Merlin licked his lips nervously, fingers twisting in the material of his shirt as he began to beat a hasty retreat towards his room.

"Well good. I better get some sleep Gaius, I think that potion is really having an effect on me."

"Wait Merl-"

"G'night."

The door shut softly behind Merlin before Gaius could call out to him again and the physician sighed softly turning back to his bed with a weary look. What on earth was going on with his ward.

Gaius tried to speak with him again the next day but what information he got was sketchy at best and all too soon Merlin was dashing out the door to reach the kitchens early. Meaning he would arrive for work with Arthur right on time. Gaius sighed and turned away from the door feeling dread clench in his chest as he realized, for now he was helpless.

-m-

Merlin barely had time to dive in to a hidden indent in the wall before flashes of pain crashed down on him once more. It radiated from his very bones as he stood there, teeth clenched shut as he rested his forehead against the cold stone walls. He kept his breathing as regular as he could and waited. It was strange now that he listened for the screams that were not his own. Lately they hadn't been there but if he really listened he could almost convince himself he could hear a shuddering sob or week cry from the depths.

It was similar to hearing Killgharah speak to him with his mind but he felt in his heart this was different and tried to keep the sounds from bleeding in to his telepathic connection with the dragon.

Now he couldn't hear anything but possibly a quite choke echoing from some place just out of reach.

'_Is anyone there?'_ he asked again.

As usual there was no reply and just like all the other times he felt the pain ease and began to draw away, any choking breaths silenced as the stone alcove around came back in to full focus. He felt the magic that had boiled to the surface ease and he carefully pulled it back in to some form of comfortable order in his chest.

Breathing in deeply he remained out of sight as he carefully pushed his emotions back in to place. His face was wet and it was only now he realized he had started to cry. He rubbed at his eyes in a hurry and shook himself, he had to deal with this and it would pass, he would be fine he was a_lways _fine, he just had to wait.

Breathing slowly Merlin tried to gather what small amounts of forced cheer he could as he prepared to get ready to face Arthur. He winced at the thought of what had happened the night before, knocking his hand against the two small bottles of pain medication in his pocket, one for Arthur and one for himself. He didn't know what had caused that kind of attack; he'd assumed he was hurt because he ran in to Arthur while his magic had already started to lash out. But it made no sense that Arthur had been in as much pain, unless his magic had lashed out at the Once and Future King.

Merlin felt himself shiver at the thought while all the sudden he began to feel very cold. Had he hurt Arthur? He hadn't done it on purpose but wouldn't that be worse? He could hurt Arthur at any time and he wouldn't be able to stop it, Gaius had every right to be suspicious of him.

Merlin's eyes darted up to the corridor where Arthur's room remained only just around the corner. Suddenly the distance may as well have been miles. But he had to go. Merlin breathed in carefully, tightening his hold on his magic and stepped out in to the corridor.

It was going to be a long day.

-M-

Gaius hesitated as he opened the ancient looking book on the work bench before him. The look on Geoffrey's face when he'd asked for the book had been positively comical and Gaius found himself thanking his friends obsessive nature when it came to the preservation of old books; it had saved many magic books during the purge.

Gaius could still remember the look on his face all those years ago when the orders had been given to have so many burned, he could also remember having to bring him around with smelling salts not long after when he had fainted. It had been a running joke –however much in bad taste it was- that if ever you heard the bearded man bemoaning the fires of the purge it was the books that he mourned not the countless sorcerers and sorceresses lost to the flames.

The book Gaius now held in his hands was one of the treasures he had saved and it had been obvious the man was loath to part with it. Gaius had kept it well hidden as he traveled through the halls and locked the door careful before he unraveled the bundle. Old brown leather with gold writing baring in Latin 'the book of Dragons'.

Gaius sighed before pushing through the pages to the one he wished for. He flashed past tales of the northern Dragons and the lengthy chapter on Dragon Lords before finally finding what he needed.

Because at this moment something was very wrong, something that was deeply affecting his ward, the King and –he had a feeling- their destiny. Something dark had fallen over Camelot and without the trust of his ward he had no means of divining what this was. Gaius settled on the page he was in need of with a look of apprehension of the proud figure drawn on the script.  
>Because Gaius needed help, needed advice.<p>

Because of this he smoothed down the page with one withered hand and began reading through the ancient text where 'How to summon the Great Dragon' was printed clearly in gold script.

**Gosh I'm late very very sorry. In all fairness the amazing amount of wonderful bromance in the tv show lately are hardly inspo for an angst fic even if they are so so so very cute :D:D**

**Reviews are loved and help speed things up too so thanks for all your reviews so far and I would love to hear what you think for this chapter :)**

**Right, I better get back to work brrrr the psychology of… fandom? Ok for revision maybe not so bad XD**

**Till next time  
>SQ<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys sorry it took awhile but it is sorta long, longer than usual I think anyway. **

**As always thank you for your reviews.  
>Someone asked how long this fic will be a few chapters back (I forgot to put it up here sorry X) The answer is mainly that I don't know. I am under a time limit and I WILL have this done before Christmas if not defo the new year but my unorganized…ness makes it hard to narrow down the exact number of chapters. So the answer is long but not that long soooo shorter then my other long stories : P <strong>

**Hope you enjoy :D**

Arthur tossed uneasily in his sleep, nothing unusual for him. According to Gaius string dreams weren't unusual in times of stress, even ones as strong as these.  
>'Dreams' weren't really the word to use though, nightmares were more accurate, not that he would call them that in front of others. He had seen everything from the fall of Camelot to the death of his knights, he'd even dreamed of his own death- that last made him shudder though, not because he had died (though that was unnerving at the least) but because somehow in his gut over the last few years he knew he would not die alone.<p>

Dream Merlin had made sure he would not die alone, he had made sure he had done all he could to keep the attackers from Arthur and ended up sacrificing himself as a result, and Arthur had watched it almost four times now. Arthur felt physically sick remembering that one and it was one of those he most feared as he tried to drift off to sleep each night.

Tonight though his dreams were like nothing he had seen before. They weren't clear at first, coulor and light, dark one moment and blinding the next, his sleeping mind couldn't quite process it. Then as the light settled down to a simple pulsing white he saw a dark slim form standing across from him, not too far away but far enough that in the bad light he could make out any of his features. The lithe figure stood motionless, his slumped shoulders were shaking slightly, though for some reason Arthur felt it was not because of fear. As he watched Arthur could see the figure sway, his shoulders shook violently every now and then as if he were about to cave in.

He couldn't move towards him and when he opened his mouth he couldn't speak. He was forced to watch the stranger struggle to stand, finally holding himself up against something that must have been a wall. Arthur felt despair gripping him and found he couldn't turn away. The world around the figure started to get lighter, not a warm or comforting light though, something that burnt and clawed at Arthur's eyes, greedily consuming the shadows. The figure though was still cloaked in darkness and Arthur watched as the man clutched at his chest, doubling over as if he were choking on something.

It was when he fell to his knees that Arthur cried out and though he made no sound he felt his throat burn in time with the snap of agony that alighted up his spine, burning down his back and behind his eyes. He thought he would have collapsed if he hadn't been held in place, paralyzed in the dream.

The second figure came in to view behind the first like something out of a nightmare, not black but a twisting grey, like smoke condensed in to a small place, turning and spinning. Its eyes were visible as sharp spikes of white but there was nothing else to distinguish the thing except that Arthur just _knew_ that it was very alive, very aware and looking straight at him. Arthur felt his breathing grow rapid and shallow as he watched what could only be a creature of magic, the aura of power was unmistakable, terrifying-

And familiar. Familiar just as the dark figure had been.

Which was when Arthur noticed something else, the dark figure sprawled on the floor seemed to jerk with pain at the creatures feet but rather then crawl away he seemed to be curing towards it. Then as he looked back up he noticed the creature itself was… crying.

It was looking back at him and crying with loss and heartbreak and the very essence of sorrow. It was all Arthur could do just to look at it, though admittedly he couldn't look away.

A sharp shout broke the scene and everything went dark.

Before he knew it he was running through the same motions again, the strange dream melted away to be replaced with a large oak door buckling under the pressure of some unknown enemy –an army of them by the sounds of it- and Merlin stood there, between him and the door, tall, thin, dark, looking just as hapless as ever and with the sting of fear hidden behind his eyes. Yet he stood between Arthur and the door, back straight and determined telling Arthur to run.

Arthur shouted at him but he still couldn't speak. Couldn't move to stop the doors bursting open as they had done before, couldn't do anything as the Knights that attacked as Camelot slept burst in. This time he managed to reach out a hand, just his hand to Merlin as if willing him to come away before the dream repeated itself.

Merlin looked back with another order to run on his lips and the knights were _right behind him_. Arthur knew where the sword would be before it appeared, ready to slice in a downwards ark towards Merlin's unprotected back. He knew it was going to happen, knew it in his _bones_ that when it finally didn't happen he was just as shocked.

The knights were gone and Merlin was standing there in the dark, staring at him as if nothing had changed but now rather than the sword at his back that _thing_ stood there, crying as it had been before with its arms wrapped around Merlin's shoulders. It's hold was tight, so tight Arthur couldn't help but think Merlin should be choking. It was clinging on to Merlin but its wide eyes never left Arthur.

Arthur managed a choked breath and all too suddenly found his voice returned to him again.

"Merlin?" He whispered shakily, fear and all out terror lacing his tone.

He could have counted a heartbeat, maybe two, of complete silence. But then the creature screamed, its eyes burnt bright gold that seemed to shudder and rip through its entire body, burning like he had never seen before. His eyes didn't see this for long through.

Merlin choked. His frame shook in small convulsions as his eyes locked on Arthur's. It was a look he would never forget, a look of pure agony that could not be expressed enough through any screech of pain. Their eyes remained locked as the light in Merlin's seemed to dull. They remained locked as his legs gave way, one bent more than the other so he twisted to the left. As he fell the creatures voice died, Arthur's shout replaced it as his legs were released and he ran forward.

Merlin hit the floor before he could reach him. Falling on his side, his head bounced off the dark floor before tilting to the side and exposing his pale throat. Arthur fell to his knees knowing full well that something else in this dream remained the same –Merlin was still dead before he could reach him.

What he did not expect was the flash of gold to light Merlin's iris before they turned back to their new dull lifeless blue. Arthur choked in shock eyes widening as he desperately wondered what this could mean, as if half expecting Merlin to wake up, come back from the dead after the flash of what could only be magic.

But he didn't. He remained lying still in Arthur's arms, staring bleakly in to oblivion. Arthur didn't know why he looked up then, dragging his eyes away from his dead friend. But the sight that awaited him way anything but pretty.

Cold dead eyes, bright gold dying slowly as a hollowed out face streaked with streams of dark tears. It stared at him as if it was seeing in to his very soul.

-M-

Arthur cried up sitting bolt upright in bed. Fear coursed through his system like fire, his eyes wide and terrified while his chest heaved in great breaths, trying to fill lungs that felt like they were collapsing. Considering this it was hardly a surprise that he had missed the matching yell and light thump as a body hit the floor.

He turned to the right and saw a pale Merlin lying on his back staring at Arthur with wide eyes. He looked just as bad as Arthur felt and almost just as scared.

"Merlin what are you doing down there?" Arthur growled a little harshly.

Merlin didn't say anything for a moment, blinking owlishly from where he lay on the floor. Arthur noticed his hands were raised palm out in front of him, as if in surrender or defense.

"I was just waking you up…" Merlin said slowly not lowering his arms of moving in anyway.

"From down there?" Arthur asked snidely. Merlin scowled.

"I was standing up until you ah…" he waved one arm slightly in Arthur's direction before moving it back to where it had been before, "Ah… shouted and scared me half to death."

He tried an uneasy smirk at the attempted quip but it fell flat, his pale face and fast breathing giving away just how frightened he'd been. The two remained for a moment in an uncomfortable silence, neither quite able to move themselves from the positions they were in. Taking in one calming breath after the other Arthur glanced briefly over to his shocked looking servant.

"Has Gaius found anything?" he asked voice strained. Merlin was shaking his head before he got the final word out.

"Not yet." He murmured.

Arthur huffed, exhaling loudly through his nose before he finally fixed his eyes on the servant permanently.

"What are you still doing down there _Merlin_, this is no time to be lying about."

"Sorry sire." Merlin mumbled and the slight tone of irritation was almost a welcome relief to the oppressing fear in the air.

Arthur sighed deeply and allowed himself to flop backwards in to his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He heard Merlin get to his feet and almost expected to be dragged from his bed as he had been any other day he showed maybe a slight hesitance to get up. Instead he heard Merlin's footsteps side step the bed all together and scuttle off in the direction of the table where –hopefully- his breakfast would be lain out.

"He went to meet someone he said might be able to help." Merlin called from a little further away.

"Hm?" Arthur mumbled.

"Gaius , he said he should be back by noon but not to worry if he's later."

"And who is he meeting?" Arthur asked.

There was a pause where Merlin shrugged before realizing the King wasn't actually looking at him.

"I don't know. Some old friend I suppose."

Arthur hummed tiredly before finally shifting his legs out of bed. his head spun a little as he stood but it was nothing he hadn't dealt with before and so he focused his attention back on Merlin who seemed to be finishing setting out Arthur's breakfast.

"Any meetings today?" he asked crossing over to the table.

Arthur watched Merlin carefully as he moved towards his usual chair. Merlin seemed to notice and quickly moved to the other side of the room, supposedly to find some clothes for the day.

"Apparently it's a quiet day, several your advisors have motioned to have a-ah social meeting?"

Arthur snorted recognizing the new plans for what they were, the noble's version of spending the day at the tavern. Of course they wouldn't actually be going to the place but they would certainly have enough drink bought up to serve a tavern for well over a week.

"Send them my regards but I don't think I will be attending." He called. When no reply from Merlin was forthcoming Arthur stretched back allowing a small smile to crease his lips, "Maybe a hunting trip instead?"

A loud thud which may have been Merlin banging his head on one of the cupboards shelves followed and Arthur had to force down a laugh with extreme difficulty.

"_Do_ be careful Merlin you can hardly afford any more blows to the head, you're slow enough as it is."

Merlin's reply came in a cut off grumble from the general direction of the wardrobe as he began to set out clothes on the bed. Arthur ate slowly, barely tasting the half cold sausages as he watched the servant from the corner of his eye.

Merlin had just finished setting his clothes down when he seemed to freeze, his back and arms tense as his eyes darted around for something to do.

"You can make the bed." Arthur pointed out after a few beats of silence.

Merlin practically jumped out of his skin, his eyes jumping up to Arthur's briefly before he nodded quickly and moved towards the bed. Arthur watched him cautiously and curled his arm around his waist as the now familiar spikes of pain began to register just behind his chest and began to radiate to the rest of his body.

Arthur repressed the hiss of pain back in to a sight moan and put down what was left of his food. It would go away in a few moments if he just closed his eyes and waited it out. If he was lucky his idiot servant wouldn't even noticed, though with how distracted his friend was acting lately it would hardly be a major miracle.

-M-

By the time Gaius reached the field Merlin usually met with the dragon it was already mid day and his very bones seemed to be protesting the exertion as he practically collapsed on to a small tree stump in the clearing. His chest was heaving as he fought to get his breath back while cursing the inevitability of age and all its drawbacks.

Time was of the essence though and Gaius wasted no time in prying the scrawled summons from where he had concealed it in his robes. As his breathing began to come back under control Gaius began to scowl at the scratchy writing, picking out the words he had carefully copied. He doubted Killgharah would be happy to see him, but at this point he had very little choice. Merlin was in pain, he had nightmares and stopped eating and now the symptoms were affecting their king.

"This is the only option." Gaius murmured quietly, trying to convince himself at least.

Straightening himself where he sat Gaius threw one more cautious glance to the sky before focusing on the script and reading out the words that had been running through his mind since the moment he copied them down in his dim work room that morning.

"_Diyavay Teodam Ivay Camelot yecomen, Diyavay Teodam Killgharah." _

**There is no need to run that through an old English translator, I certainly didn't :P**

**Anyway sorry if I am late again and sorry I couldn't get Killgharah in, Was supposed to be half and half with the dream for this chapter buuuut, well I rambled a bit. **

**Thank you for your reviews they have helped me through the latest bout of writers block in the face of the sudden drop out of Bromance in Merlin  
>(waaa I miss it) (the knights soooo need to say sorry to Merlin!) (Gwen gets called brave for waving a sword and falling over and Merlin gets nottthhhinnng!) <strong>

**Ah yes this is why I don't usually write while the series is going 0_o **

**Would love to know what you think because I am completely review addicted and feedback makes writers happy XD **

**Weeeell I'm off for a couple of days in Center parks but will back soon :)  
>Hope you enjoyed<br>SQ**


	5. Chapter 5

**Yay back again with a very dragon-y chapter : P  
>I can't remember if Aithusa is actually a girl… I just sort of assumed she was a she and she may not be… but she is for now :D<strong>

**I am sorry for my slowness my last TV bromance ended the other day :( I have not got a untempered bromance to my name. SO IF YOU HAVE ANY AMAZEING BROMANCE FICS it would be nice if you could nudge me in their direction XP might cheer this fic up a bit again... : )**

**Merlin still int mine :(**

**Warning – un-beta'd- sooorrryyy for any mistakes**

Killgharah landed with a growl, coming in to fast and almost skidding a good distance in his desperation to reach the floor. His feet churned up the earth as he shook the small creature off his head. The small white dragon sailed across the air and landed on its back making stuttered choking sounds. The first few times it had happened The Great Dragon had been mildly worried but he had since adjusted to knowing when the small form was laughing at him, as it was now, snickering at him for almost sending them both in to a nose dive.

"That was not funny young dragon." Killgharah growled.

The infant simply wailed in reply rolling on to its front and rubbing its chin against the earth as it laughed. Killgharah grumbled and flicked his head to the side wondering vaguely if there was something wrong with this dragon. Narrowing his eyes for a moment at the white bundle of laughter he flicked his head to look over the clearing he had been called to.

"Gaius." He called searching the place he had heard the call.

The magic had been familiar but not a kind he had felt recently. Gaius rarely returned to using his old gifts preferring his new 'science' over what magic could offer. There was no one standing in the clearing though and the dragon was about to lose his patience when he saw a form half sprawled on the floor and propped up against a tree stump not a few paces away.

Feeling uncertainty tickle the back of his throat Killgharah approached slowly. The ground crunched loudly under his feet and yet the figure did not move or even twitch. He could see Gaius's white hair as it shifted in the wind. Aithusa made a high calling sound from behind him but he ignored her for the moment sucking in a long breath through his nose to test Gaius's scent. The physician was still and silent but he did not smell of death. His mind briefly wondered when he had come to that suggestion and then felt the sting of worry as he imagined how the young Warlock would react to the loss.

Leaning forward as close as he could Killgharah breathed in deeply once more his nose bare inches from Gaius's chin. The physicians eyes snapped open as if he had been electrocuted and practically yelped. Killgharah leapt rather ungracefully on to his back legs letting out a hiss of surprise as he landed a few passes behind. Gaius's chest was heaving now as he stared at the dragon with wide eyes. Killgharah from the other side of the gap hissed his dissatisfaction. For a few silent moments nothing happened and then Aithusa who sat neatly in the middle, staring at both of them, burst out in to a fresh burst of laughter to the great irritation of her only parent.

Gaius stared between them in shock as Killgharah hissed and slowly began to recover. The damage however was already done and he found himself leveling a cold glare on the man that had called him.

"What do you want Gaius?" He growled.

Gaius struggled to reply for a moment and began to push himself to his feet. Killgharah winced as the old man struggled for a moment, old bones and ageing limbs protesting at having to rise from the floor. Gaius however was very much used to this and spoke through his struggle.

"Something is wrong with Merlin." he stated bluntly.

Killgharah's head tilted slightly to the left eyeing Gaius with interest.

"Is that so? And what is it that is bothering him?" He asked.

Now on his feet Gaius scowled at the calm tone of the Great Dragons voice. The old physician shuffled on his feet, unaware of the small white creature that now stared up at him with a half chewed dandelion in its mouth, forgotten as she eyed him with worry.

"He is in great pain." Gaius said slowly, "and I suspect he is losing control of his magic."

"That is not possible," Killgharah cut off, "Merlin is like no other, his magic is a part of him, it can neither defy him nor would it wanting to. He has not lost his magic, nor his control."

"Well it isn't Merlin who is lashing out at pots and the pain certainly isn't intentional." Gaius protested.

Killgharah snorted as if to brush this off but there was a glimmer of what looked like confusion in his eyes.

"And it seems the symptoms have started affecting Arthur."

At this Killgharah's eyes flashed and fixed on Gaius. When he next spoke his words sounded anything but calm.

"What has happened?"

"They have barely been sleeping, they have had headaches and nightmares. But the worst happened just last night. They were both traveling to my rooms when they collided in a corridor as I hear it the resulting pain kept them on the floor for a good few minutes and even when they reached me they were still affected."

Killgharah tossed his head and shifted uncomfortably. To the side Aithusa made a high squeaking noise of distress.

"This is unlike anything I have heard of before." He murmured deeply.

"So you do not know what could have caused it?" Gaius asked shoulders slumping.

"I cannot yet be sure."

Gaius sighed turning his gaze to the now darkening sky.

"I best return to Camelot and hope there hasn't been any more trouble." He sighed, "Thank you fo coming."

"How could I refuse?" Killgharah replied with a sniff.

Gaius had just began walking back towards the path when the large dragon shifted forward to stand by his younger charge. His gold eyes flickered momentarily back to the tall castle in the distance before once again fixing on the aged physician.

"There is one thing I can tell you Physician." He called.

Gaius turned, one eyebrow raised as he watched the Dragon expectantly. Killgharah lowered his head to watch the man's face more closely as he added,

"This is not of Merlin's doing, nor is it some… ill effect of his magic. You must look for your cause elsewhere."

Gaius considered this carefully before nodding slowly and continuing on his way. Behind him he vaguely heard Killgharah turn to the smaller dragon and murmur,

"Now little dragon, the instances of our last flight are not to repeat themselves, do I make myself clear?"

-M-

Merlin much to his shame spent most of the day avoiding Arthur. Not that the Prince seemed to mind. They had both ducked out of the first meeting as soon as possible and ere making their way silently to Arthur's rooms before the Prince was –luckily in Merlin's opinion- side tracked by Gwen. The Prince had barely noticed as his servant slipped silently down one of the servants corridors and Merlin had been careful to avoid places the Prince might usually be.

He couldn't be sure why but with every step Merlin felt the heavy wait in his chest lessen, the carefully controlled pain behind his eyes dim down the faster he moved until he was back in his room, panting from the near run he had kept himself at.

Practically slamming the door shut behind him Merlin leaned back against the ageing wood and sighed deeply as his head thudded back with a dull bang. He felt his breathing slowly begin to even out as the strain he had been under was released and he had to force back a sob that he didn't dare utter even in private. Tears burned behind his eyes before he blinked them back.

Quickly his eyes snapped open and alighted on the battle ground that had once been his room, strewn with his clothing, bits of Arthur's clothing that was probably supposed to have been washed sometime last month. There was a helmet by the open window and an arm guard sticking out from under the bed, it was just all pure chaos.

Feeling his exasperation flare Merlin hissed out a muttered chain of spells as he walked towards his bed. he didn't pay much attention to the words he spoke, recognizing bitten off orders that sounded like something Arthur would say if it were in any other language.

By the time he hit the bed the window had slammed shut, one of his jackets was flying across the room and discarded in the cupboard in an unorganized heap before the door slammed shut behind it. The rest of his clothes followed in short order, flying over his head even as he stretched out on his bed with a huff. Everything of Arthurs, the helmet, arm guard, his second favorite red shirt and a whole pile of hidden socks drew together in a large mass before slamming with considerable force against the wall by the door and sliding limply to the floor with a clatter.

Merlin glanced up at them feeling his magic withdraw from the task at hand and wrap protectively around his slumped form. A shimmer of warmth slotted back in to place in his chest and he felt relief. He couldn't lose control of his magic, he wouldn't be able to stand it. Now though he sighed in contentment as his eyelids began to droop, the sound of a lone brush working over his floor as he bid it to.

The brush continued to work even as Merlin's breath began to slow and one hand fell limply off the bed. Merlin sighed lightly as he settled in to his pillow and that small breath, that sense of relief and calm sent the brush drifting off to lean against the wall.

He wasn't where he was supposed to be, he wasn't doing what he was meant to, but he was certainly where he needed to be and this time everyone else, Gaius, Arthur and destiny itself would just have to deal with that.

-M-

On getting back home Gaius had had a brief awkward conversation with their King, asking after Merlin's where abouts but something of the tiredness reflected in the eyes of the king and his physician kept anyone from raising their voice. Gaius sent him on his way with a sleeping draught and a murmured 'goodnight' before turning to the door that lead to Merlin's room.

He knew his ward was in there of course, it had been the first thing he had checked. But something of Merlin's closed off sleeping expression had pushed him to leave the room and shut the door quietly behind him and ever since the thin wood seemed almost like a barrier better left unchallenged. Gaius reasoned there would be no use waking him, he hadn't actually discovered anything from the dragon apart from that the cause was magic and that it wasn't of Merlin's doing.

Hesitating Gaius turned slightly towards the ancient tombs still pilled on his desk. He almost moaned out loud when he saw their size. He needed to do the research but he also needed to _rest_, he had had a hard day and his body would not push its limits much further than it already had. A time ago and one night of missed sleep wouldn't have meant anything to his younger mind but he was much older now and daren't take such risks with his health.

Gaius sighed deeply. A small tempting voice in the back of his head began to whisper that Killgharah would surely find out before what was going on. Just because the Great Dragon did not yet no of this malady did not mean he wouldn't do a_nything_ within his power to find out exactly what it is.

It was with this last thought that Gaius conceived defeat and began to amble over to his much missed bed. He would sleep on his thoughts for now and hope that tomorrow bought more answers.

-M-

Meanwhile in said Warlocks bedroom where Merlin's soft breathing filled the air and dust motes danced in the light of the half moon by his window a light scraping, scuffling began to break through the peacefulness of the room.

Merlin barely noticed, his sleep addled mind quickly dosing off to sleep again as if he had never noticed. He rolled slightly on to his back a huffed out one long breath. Meanwhile the scratching from the window continued and grew louder, the sound of small racks being dislodged from the wall as in irritated whine came from outside. With a fast delicate huff two scaled while arms caught the ledge of the window. There was a snort as the creature pulled itself up and then lightly pushed against the window. It swung open steadily as the infant dragon flailed about on the windowsill, clumsily dragging its small body in. Aithusa mewed not unlike a cat as she finally lay flat out on the window ledge, her large golden eyes falling emidietly on the sleeping form snoring softly in the bed.

With an exited yelp the small creature threw itself in to the room, her small wings fanned out just enough to glide rather to the side of the bed. It was a clumsy attempt and she may have been aiming to actually _land_ on the bed rather than crash in to its side, but after the distance she had traveled it certainly wasn't a bad attempt.

Nose twitching happily Aithusa leapt on to the bed, crawling over the blanket and the outstretched arm before leaping lightly up on to The Dragon lord's chest. Merlin barely seemed to notice the sudden weight, or if he did it wasn't entirely unpleasant. Aithusa flattened herself down on to his chest just as she did on Killgharah's back (though he had disallowed her tonight after their second flying accident of the day).

She huffed contentedly and buried her nose under Merlin's chin. Merlin frowned for a moment but a warm huff of breath from Aithusa and the Warlock must have found that whatever new comfort this was it would be perfectly welcome for now as his lips settled in to a slight smile before he drifted off to sleep.

Comfortable Aithusa rooted her feet in place, gripping to the sheets of the blanket. No one would move her, this was Merlin wouldn't get hurt and this way she could eat them if they tried. A small dragon chuckle left her pleased mouth at that, her eye lids getting heavier as happiness sunk in. No one would hurt her Dragon Lord again and he would no longer have to be sad.

-M-

Meanwhile in the forest not too far from Camelot in a cave no one had been near for years a lone golden dragon slept, smugly thinking over the cold corner his ward had to sleep in as her punishment and blissfully unaware of the panic attack that was to come. His ward had hit the rebellious stage too soon.

**Thanks for reading I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I would love to hear what you think. **

**Bye for now  
>The ever bromance starved<br>SQ**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yes I am alive and back after the longest break in my current fanfiction writing history. Sooorry but well Christmas and new years and SHERLOCK SERIES 2! (Which was amazing by the way, depressing but amazing) and i had an exam. But yer spose ur not here to read my whining: P**

**It also dosnt help wt they did to little Aithusa in the last episode of Merlin but, well I have convinced myself to keep her cute and nice for the remainder of this fic. **

**I shall just apologise again as I have had this chapter awhile now and just realised I should probably post it. Tbh looking back over it I'm not sure what to think about it myself but I hope it goes ok.  
>I can't remember what else I was going to say apart from that I still don't own Merlin so I suppose that about covers it for now.<br>hope you enjoy.**

Aithusa woke with a start. The warm comfortable presence of her dragon lord was shifting in discomfort and even as she remained firmly rooted to the front of his chest she felt something wrong stir in the air, coursing through the darkness of the very early morning. The young dragon felt a sting of anger break through her sleepy mind. Was this the thing that dared to harm her master? Was this creature of some kind daring to approach him now even while under her protection?

She heard as Merlin gave a small moan of pain from under her small form, when she looked up her gold eyes found his pale face covered with a sheen of sweat as he shook his head weakly against the pillow.

"No, no, no, I'm sorry I- I didn't-"

He whispered the words over and over again, cringing back from an unseen foe. Aithusa turned from his pale form with a hiss, her wings outstretched as she turned on the rest of the room in a fury. But the dark room remained empty, her bright eyes seeing in to the darkest of shadows and revealing nothing in their corners.

She dropped from Merlin's chest, standing on the very edge of the bed but still there was nothing, no enemy to vanquish, no unseen force that could be dispelled, but yet _something_ was hurting him. Merlin whispered another apology and Aithusa whined softly as she watched a lone tear slide from underneath his closed eyes. She could feel the very depths of his pain as it radiated through their bond, her lord was strong, her Merlin was good, but his heart was weakening, something was _wrong._

She whined and nuzzled at Merlin's jaw but he continued to toss and turn in his place. Panic began to rise in the little dragon as she realised she couldn't wake him. She could only feel that something was doing this and she couldn't feel what.

Miles away Killgharah woke feeling his wards unease and on turning to the corner he had left her and woke in a panic. Aithusa didn't give him time to gather himself, Merlin was in pain from something she could neither see nor fight, something she was helpless against.

"Killgharah something is hurting him, something is hurting Merlin!" Her voice was desperate and half way a sob racked her voice. She felt Killgharah's anger flare in a moment, his wings beating in anticipation to reach and rescue the two people in the world that he cared about.

"What is it that is hurting him?" He asked in a voice far calmer then she had been able to manage.

"Nothing." She whispered, "There is nothing and yet he is hurting!"

Aithusa whined and butted her head against Merlin's chin. The pale boys head beat back weakly against the pillow ruffling his damp dark hair but otherwise he didn't move locked in whatever horror his nightmare presented to him.

"You must go deeper Aithusa, look closer." Killgharah persisted.

Aithusa shook her small head as she hunched her wings positioned over Merlin's chest.

"You must see what he sees." Killgharah hissed despite her denials, "I cannot come to Camelot and i cannot help him if I do not know what needs to be done." And knowing it could be the only thing to persuade her he added firmly, "young dragon you would not abandon him in his time of need."

And she whined, a long mournful sound that even had Gaius shifting uneasily in his sleep in the next room. The pain that filled her heart at even the thought of betrayal went beyond any experience she had had in her short life.

Aithusa leapt on to his chest in one soft leap and pressed her small white face against Merlin's pale forehead. Her only thought was quite and whispered in to the darkness of nothing, as everything seemed to fade but for her master and the pain and the dark something that caused it. Her only thought in the face of this danger was soft and daring, too young to know failure, to strong willed to ever give in to it had she known, _please let me help you._

And her master responded in the blink of an eye, a heartbeat of time, the flash of gold though light blue eyes.

-M-

_The young dragon couldn't have been prepared for the turbulent mind that awaited her. While one moment she stood in the silent room the next the world had swirled around her, darkness creeping up on all sides as she was bombarded with sound and emotions and pain that echoed from everywhere and everything. _

"_I have lost both my parents to magic... it is pure evil."_

_Gold twisted in the black as magic seemed to fight to get a grip on emotions that should have been driving it but now were leaving it at a cross purpose. Merlin was everywhere, he encircled her and moved around her oblivious to her presence as he twisted in pain. _

"_I'll never lose sight of that again." The broken Prince whispered. _

_Flashes of images, golden hair and watery blue eyes and the pain that just __**shouldn't be there**__. The pain that __**he**__ had caused, Merlin had caused, it was his fault and no one else's. _

_When Merlin spoke it was as if everything around echoed with his voice, an empty hurt sound filled with self loathing and regret. _

"_I've turned him against it forever." _

_Then as if in a practiced synchrony that had been repeated so very many times the Prince now King spoke again, this time laced with an anger and a blame that could not have been there when first spoken. _

"_It is pure evil."_

"_You are a loyal friend Merlin." _

_And everything in Merlin just seemed to panic. The magic that had been trying to restore calm burst in to light like fire on a black lake, hissing and writhing with pain. _

_Merlin was loyal, Arthur had called him a friend and very little could mean more to him than that. But then the sting, the whip crack of pain, Arthur believed him a friend because Merlin had __**lied.**_

Killgharah's presence seethed furiously at the snapshot of his wards mind and the anxiety in the young dragon. From what he could feel with the bond between the three of them he tried to seek out the thing that sent pain along these turbulent emotions, whatever it was that sent the dragon lords magic writhing in agony and fear.

But it was Aithusa who found it.

_The pain was all around her, the self loathing, the regret and sorrow, the weight of loneliness that echoed with all the lies he had told friends and reminders of the secrets he was keeping from them still. It washed through the Dragon Lord as naturally as the blood in his veins but so destructive it burnt like fire. _

_Then something shone through it like a light in the storm, a warmth and calmness that outlasted the pain surrounding on all sides. Aithusa had rushed for it without thought and felt relief wash over her as the pure hope and faith that Merlin held for his King and Albion, a warmth and loyalty so different from the emotions that had polluted his mind.  
>Because in this castle King Arthur slept, a kind and just man that would bring peace to all the lands. A King that Merlin would follow to the death, A King for which Merlin's magic had been created, a King born of magic to which Merlin's was bound. <em>

_Aithusa felt something in her spark at this, some twinge of knowledge, but she was too intent on looking deeper, feeling the very bonds and threads that knitted her Lord to his King. Flashes of Arthur dozing in his own bed, of thoughts and feelings and dreams that the sleeping King was experiencing. What she hadn't expected was the answering call, what felt almost like a wave of thought that drifted between the two of them, an answering echo to her masters own turmoil._

_It is pure evil_

_I'll never lose sight of that again_

_Pain roared through Merlin again sharper and more heated then she had ever felt it before. As if his very bones and tendons were filled with an agonizing fire. For a dizzying moment the small dragon wondered if he had not seen where this was coming from before, as if her finding this had only confirmed every one of her masters worse fears, and as if as a last whisper of confirmation Merlin's dread filled voice whispered the practiced words. _

'_He'll never know who I really am.'_

And Aithusa was thrown from Merlin's mind.

-M-

In a cave deep in the forest Killgharah roared in anger, snarled as scorched earth lit up with the fury that radiated from him in waves. Animals for miles around scattered and trees shifted uneasily in the suddenly harsh wind as Killgharah, last of the Great Dragons watched his visions of the future cave in around him. The destiny he had seen, the peace and friendship, the safety for all magic kind twisted, maybe beyond repair.

Merlin was made for Arthur. The magic that resided within Arthur was what made Merlin's magic whole and somehow, through pain, anger and loss Arthur was using his magic. His magic was using Merlin's magic, and the magic was destroying itself.

Arthur was killing magic. Arthur was killing Merlin.

**That looks a bit cliffhanger-y but it will have to do for now. Just two more exams and I'm home free... for a few months anyway. I will try to update but for some reason series 4 just realllly killed my inspo and exams and UCAS and... well let's just say the plot bunny farm has been, for lack of better words, mercilessly slaughtered by life. **

**I will try to get the next chapter up in a nice week or so but I will probably be a lil bit late. Reviews speed up the writing though remember! **

**Oh and thank you to last chapters reviewers who left me some nice bromance stories to read, it probably got this chapter off the ground :P **

**Thanks for reading  
>reviews are loved XD<br>SQ**


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow I have never found it this hard to update two chapters in a row. I blame series 4 Merlin damnit! Did anyone else see the amount of bromance scenes in the OUTAKES! I can't believe they took them out!**

**But yeah the ending killed my inspo  
>plot bunnies are dead :'( <strong>

**But don't panic XD I will keep writing for as long as I can! But yeah life is doing an extraordinary job at getting in the way lately. **

**But thanks guys for sticking around and extra, extra thanks for reviews, I certainly need em :)**

**Merlin is not mine- enjoy :)**

Gaius woke up to sounds of someone clattering around his room. It was barely noticeable at first, a few bottles clicked together and the sound of a broom dropping to the floor but he was finally bought back to consciousness when someone crashed in to his work bench and the sound of his aged books tumbling on to the ground.

"What _do _you think you're doing?" Gaius shouted as he pulled his legs slowly out of bed.

On the other side of the room Merlin dropped his bag and stared at Gaius with wide eyes.

"Nothing."

Gaius scowled at him and got to his feet, never once taking his eyes off Merlin as he paced towards him.

"Why is it that nothing always means something with you?"

His ward looked elsewhere at Gaius nudged the bag at his feet. Recognising it emidietly as the pack bag he had travelled to Camelot with. Gaius eyed Merlin who carefully looked away as the old man lifted the top of the pack back to reveal enough supplies for a few days travelling.

"Are you going somewhere Merlin?" Gaius asked failing to keep the disapproval out of his tone.

Merlin ran a hand through his hair restlessly and fixed his gaze on the floor.

"I won't be gone for long, I have the day off. I'm just going to see if distance helps..."

Merlin trailed off with a shrug of his shoulders. Gaius sighed as he took in his wards unkempt appearance. His hair was standing practically on end and there was a cold sheen of sweat over his pale skin. Suddenly nothing seemed fair any more. Merlin's eyes radiated with pain and worry every time they glanced up off the stone floor and his shoulders were hunched as if against an invisible weight, all the while he seemed to be desperately leaning towards the door as if preparing to bolt. Gaius lowered his voice as he spoke.

"Merlin my boy, what happened?"

Merlin stopped fidgeting as if he had been pinned in place. His head lowered and a shuddering sigh made him shake like I leaf in the wind. Gaius took his wards arm and ushered him to the bench. He didn't have to prompt him as Merlin sat back and began to speak.

"Aithusa came to my room last night."

"The Dragon?" Gaius asked eyebrow arching. Merlin nodded, rubbing a hand through his hair.

"She was trying to find out what was wrong with me, looked in to my mind." Merlin pushed his hands in to his eyes while his chest stuttered for a moment as if he couldn't get a breath in.

"Merlin, what did she find?" Gaius asked quietly.

"It's Arthur, he's doing this. He doesn't even know it. He's wrapped up in all the same anger and hatred towards magic that his father created..."

Gaius reeled back as if struck while Merlin fumbled with the remainder of his explanation. Shock froze him in place as he listened and Merlin didn't even look up for a second.

"I guess it's the whole downside of this 'half of the same coin' thing." Merlin murmured. " He was born of magic; he's connected to my magic. If he sees it as his purpose to eradicate magic from the lands like his father..." He shrugged half heartedly his eyes distant and unfocused, "my magic follows suit. It's destroying itself because that's what he wants."

The room fell in to a heavy silence as Gaius slowly set himself down on the bench by his ward. He was barely conscious of doing it apart from to notice his knees were currently too weak to hold him up.

"Isn't there something you can do?" He asked.

Merlin shook his head.

"Arthur is the Once and Future King, I'm just here to look after him. The most powerful Warlock ever to have lived," He snorted tiredly, "killed by his own magic."

"It will kill you then." Gaius said feeling his heart sinking further.

"Most likely, there's a slight chance I won't but... my magic will be gone." Merlin clasped his hands together tightly as if expecting one of them to suddenly disappear.

"And you are a creature of magic." Gaius sighed.

Merlin nodded hesitantly

"So you're leaving?" Gaius asked.

"No, I just wanted to see... maybe if I was further away it would slow it down or stop it..."

"And you could visit your mother." Gaius murmured realising the experiment for what it was, a chance to say goodbye. Merlin glanced up guiltily.

"Killgharah would probably agree to help me get there sooner."

"And does he think distance will help with this?"

Merlin shrugged a small fake smile flittering over his lips.

"I doubt it, Arthur's my 'destiny' remember." He chuckled but the sound was empty and choked. Merlin ran his other hand through his hair.

"What else is there?" Gaius asked.

"I... want to tell someone before I- before anything happens. And I think I owe Gwaine the truth, he's been a good friend and I would like to think I had the courage to tell someone about this, even if it isn't Arthur."

Gaius nodded and tried not to think where this was all going. Gwaine he believed was a good man, for all his faults he had a good heart and wouldn't take Merlin's-well he would worry about Merlin, Gaius corrected himself. Gwaine was a knight but as far as he knew he had no ongoing resentment towards magic itself. Merlin seemed to be waiting anxiously for Gaius's reply so the physician nodded quickly to reassure him.

"It's probably for the best." He said at last, "Maybe you should take him with you in case something happens."

"What and introduce him to Killgharah?" Merlin asked a small smile on his lips at the thought.

"I'm sure it would be a quite... interesting experience for the young man." Gaius said with his own small smile. Merlin chuckled but soon stopped his voice sombre once again.

"I am sorry about all this Gaius." He said quietly.

Without a thought Gaius wrapped his arms around his young ward and tugged him against his chest. Merlin returned the hug silently and Gaius felt his heart squeeze at how thin the boy was.

"You have nothing to apologise for my boy."

-M-

Gwaine was in the tavern. The fact that Merlin was pretty certain he was the tavern before a drunk Elyan stumbled in to him mumbling 'upid gwanin wnt tak my eyebows' probably said something for the man's ability to avoid Arthur's banning him from taverns from here to Ealdore.

Merlin had left it a few hours before he went looking for the knight as he made sure his replacement for Arthur had turned up and then dashed around gathering the rest of the supplies he needed if -and it was definitely an if- someone was going to travel with him today. After that he had been told the knights were in a meeting and determined not to be found by Arthur, stopped off in the library to waste time until Geoffrey found him snoring in to a copy of _Signs and symbols of the druid hand_ that was only very slightly magical in nature.

All that aside it was still only midday when Merlin got to the tavern and even if Gwaine did have unusual drinking hours, how he'd managed to get Elyan to go with him and get quite that drunk so quickly would remain one of many mysteries that surrounded Gwaine and his affinity for alcohol.

The tavern was as warm and welcoming as ever, if a bit quieter then it would be later in the day. Gwaine was sat at a table nearby with a goblet in front of him and a huge grin on his face as he recounted the time he rescued a Princess from a tower only for her to rush back up the steps as if a dragon were behind her when he told her he was an unemployed rouge without a penny to his name. Percival sat in the chair next to him chuckling as he sipped at his own drink.

"So-so now," Merlin heard Gwaine snicker as he grew closer, "now when someone comes to rescue her she-she asks them to shout up their earnings and ownership to the window bef-before she even lets them near the door!"

Gwaine burst in to a loud cackle which Percival joined with his own deep chuckle. The large knight nodded to Merlin in greeting before he turned to his drink. Gwaine whirled on him in an instant and before he knew it he was being gripped in a bone breaking hug.

"Merlin! There you are, her highness said you were ill, I was looking for you!"

Merlin barely got a word in before Gwaine dumped him down on the bench keeping a hand clamped on his shoulder. He watched amused as Gwaine's eyes narrowed and he glanced over him as Gaius did whenever he suspected someone of hiding something. After a moment he seemed satisfied that he wasn't in any immediate danger and leaned back against the table behind him, all hint of cheer wiped from his face.

"What did he do? You want me to beat him up? He may be king but if he's being an ass simply giving you the day off isn't a proper apology."

Merlin smiled and for the first time in what felt like years he actually felt sincere about it. Merlin eyed the combined dark scowl and childish pout that Gwaine had fixed on his face and wondered how drunk he had managed to get and whether he would be able to travel. But the scowl remained fixed in place, his many years of tavern experience showing true as he looked fixedly sober.

"Arthur hasn't done anything wrong." Merlin said. _I was the one who failed._

Gwaine snorted in disbelief before pushing his half empty drink away – something which in itself caused Percival's eyebrows to shoot up in to his hairline.

"One day I might be drunk enough to believe you, but that isn't today." Gwaine said.

"You seem drunk enough to me." Merlin added hopefully. Gwaine attempted to imitate Gaius's eyebrow.

Merlin huffed out a small breath managing to keep at least a small smile on his face. Not seeing an easy way out of this conversation Merlin decided a change in topic was best.

"Gaius is sending me on some errands outside of Camelot-"

"And he wants a brave handsome knight to escort you." Gwaine finished with a twist of his lips.

"Yeah, but I'll settle for you." Merlin replied with a half hearted smirk.

Gwaine held a hand to his heart looking at Merlin in mock pain.

"Why Merlin I'm wounded." Despite this he picked himself up and threw an arm over Merlin's shoulder before marching him towards the door, "Our _liege_ is obviously rubbing off on you which leaves me no choice but to rescue you from his bad influence."

"I was already rescuing myself" Merlin chuckled slipping in to the banter with relief, "you make me sound like some damsel in distress."

"If the slipper fits. Now quickly we still must escape the fire breathing Pendragon."

"You _are _drunk, Gwaine."

Gwaine snorted and shouted something about how no weak Camelot ale would ever be enough to affect him. Meanwhile Merlin's mind slipped further away as he realised the true extent of what he was planning to do. Gwaine had to know, Gwaine _disserved_ to know, but that wouldn't make it any easier telling him.  
>Merlin just hoped he would accept him. He hoped he would have at least one less friend to hide from. Merlin hoped... Sometimes Merlin wished that he had something more to run on then hope.<p>

**Yeah so I may have rushed it out a bit realising how far behind I am but I hope it's ok. I have waaay more excuses then I can be bothered to put to words but I will throw most of my blame at series four which seems to have bothered me and my friends since it ended :/ I don't know if anyone else feels the same though so far I have heard that Arwen fans are over the moon lol  
>Reviews are loved and sorry for taking so long.<strong>

**SQ**


	8. Chapter 8

**Heyo back again at long last, though I wont bore you with my excuses. : P **

**First off I was very flattered by the amount of favrotes this story is getting, thank you and I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story. Also a special thank you to MamzelleHermy, Kitty O, A Spirit of the Stars, ixluvxprinny, Ecri, TheMerlinAdict and very much so to freya 7040 whose last review guilted me in to sitting down properly and really finishing this chapter :D I am so glad you guys are liking it and thank you for your reviews :) **

**Moving on I still don't own any of these characters and I'm not making any profit apart from fun.**

**Hope you enjoy :)**

"Where is my useless servant?"

Gaius, who had been expecting those very words the greater part of the day, didn't even look up from where he was pretending to work at his desk. He also didn't bother to answer immediately, giving Arthur the time to stride purposely up to Merlin's room as he always did before huffing and moving more slowly back in to the centre of the room, facing Gaius expectantly.  
>It happened every once in awhile when Merlin was late or had simply ambled off to who knows where, it wasn't an entirely unique experience. This time Gaius allowed his eyes to wander a beat longer along the books he was pretending to read, leaving Arthur standing in silence just a little longer then was entirely comfortable. When he heard the King shift on to his other leg uncertainly Gaius dragged his eyes from the book and favoured him with a look he hadn't used on him since he was a child, one he was far more used to using on Merlin when he was especially irritating.<p>

"He's gone to collect some ingredients for me; I'm afraid it could take him the better part of the day. I hope that doesn't inconvenience you sire."

Gaius said the last with a slightly sarcastic air that hinted that he didn't much care if it caused him any incontinence and hoped very much that it did. Without another word he bowed his head back over the book. Arthur's eyes narrowed slightly in the way that Gaius thought made him look especially thick, his lips pursed and his brow furrowed. He had once quietly compared it to the look of a particularly young child that had been confronted with someone using too many long words. Merlin had loudly compared the expression to that of a toad with gas.

"Is everything alright Gaius?" Arthur asked slowly.

"Of course sire, why would their not be?"

"I was just wondering if I had somehow offended you in some way."

"Not at all sire." Gaius said pleasantly.

The confused look on Arthur's face remained but he pursed his lips in a bemused smile anyway, tilting his shoulders awkwardly to the door.

"That's good. Well I suppose I should b going."

"Of course, Sire." Gaius said not looking up.

Arthur nodded slowly before forcing himself to walk calmly from the room. And if he heard 'don't let the door hit you on the way out' from somewhere in the vicinity he was sure it was merely his imagination. Arthur threw a curious look back at the door before hurrying just a bit faster down the corridor, forgetting the reason he had gone to the physician's quarters in the first place.

-M-

'_Gwaine I'm magic' _

'_Gwaine I'm a-ah Warlock of legend' _

'_Gwaine it's my destiny to bring peace and magic back to the lands'_

'_Gwaine I've been lying to you since the day we met, I'm an all powerful sorcerer and could probably turn your head inside out with a click of my fingers.' _

'_None of this is in any way my fault though...'_

For the hundredth time Merlin kept from groaning out loud and maybe banging his head against something solid. He couldn't say it, worse he couldn't think _what_ to say or how to say it. The knight that walked at his side went on as clueless and cheerful as ever and Merlin _couldn't think what to say._

The summer sun shone brightly over the fields and farmers bustled about their work outside the walls of Camelot. Traders were set up stalls and the air was filled with the friendly chatter of the citizens who lived outside the great city. Merlin felt like a shadow among their happiness, their warmth and goodwill passing him over completely as he trudged along the road, dread weighing down his shoulders. Gwaine was pretending he didn't notice, though he'd taken Merlin's bags, his sleeping role and his jacket and was still shooting him worried looks. He stopped when Merlin rolled his eyes the fifth time around... mostly anyway.

Merlin didn't say much but Gwaine wasn't finding it difficult to fill the silence, doing all he could get a laugh or a raise out of the sullen servant. Merlin tried his best to chuckle at some of Gwaine more well worn jokes but his heart wasn't in it. His mind was too busy flickering over his options, what to say, how to say it, _if_ he should say it, along with any and every reaction he could possibly imagine Gwaine having that ranged from shocked acceptance to a sword swooping down around the vicinity of Merlin's neck.

Every time he thought he came to a firm decision on what to do the doubt crept back in on him again and the whole process started again, causing a slow building headache not to mention a uneasy sickness in his stomach. It became harder and harder to offer even a small smile in Gwaine's direction and the look of concern on the knights face only increased.

It was as they were approaching the outskirts of the town, where the small houses were becoming less common and larger fields began to stretch on around them that Gwaine finally let the forced smile fall from his face and fixed a rarely seen serious expression in place as he turned half to face Merlin. The knight altered his step to bump shoulders with Merlin, watching as he looked up sharply in surprise.

"What's going on with you Merlin, I've never seen you quite this miserable before." Gwaine said softly.

In all honesty he'd barely seen Merlin very upset, and even the times when it seemed he should be he had always pulled a goofy grin out of somewhere and assured him it was nothing. Merlin looked over at him without quite meeting his eyes. Gwaine could see the conflict brewing in those blue depths but waited patiently for him to say something. Merlin opened his mouth once before letting a loud frustrated huff of breath out and starting again.

"Its- hard to explain." He managed finally before falling silent again.

Gwaine waited again but his sage patience really wasn't all he made it out to be. When Merlin went back to staring sullenly at the floor again the knight had had enough. Without saying a word Gwaine dropped all the supplies – both bags, bedrolls, pots, jars food and who knew what else because the bags Merlin had packed were _incredibly _heavy – with a loud crash and not pausing for a moment dropped down to sit on the handy seat the bags provided. He crossed his ankles in front of him and his arms around him and scowled forward just as Merlin turned round with a surprised and slightly sceptical look on his face.

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked slowly, watching his friend.

"Waiting." Gwaine said.

"What-"

Gwaine changed his mind about letting Merlin do the talking and swiftly cut him off.

"You've been acting quite for days, haven't been talking to the prat as much, been acting all distracted like now," He waved a vague hand at Merlin, "and your all scruffy."

"I'm always scruffy." Merlin pointed out.

"Your scarf thing is wonky." Gwaine countered.

Merlin's hands snapped up to the red neckerchief, pulling at it self-consciously. It was almost adorable in that lost puppy sort of way that Merlin seemed to have perfected.

"It's a neckerchief..."

Gwaine shot him a Gaius eyebrow (because seriously everyone was doing it lately and Gwaine _would_ be the one to perfect it) Merlin sort of shuffled and looked away, suggesting it had had the desired effect.

"I might also point out that _I'm _the one that's supposed to nag _you_ to take me on these little flower picking expeditions so that someone's there to make sure your not eaten by a boar and _you_ always complain that you can look after yourself."

"I can look after myself, and there herbs." Merlin muttered scowling at him.

Gwaine resisted the sarcastic snort that was just begging to be voiced but which would only upset his friend further.

"The point is Merlin that you obviously invited me out here for a reason and I would very much like to talk about it now so we can get back to picking random herbs and arguing over whether you can look after yourself or not, and then maybe moan about his highness awhile for a laugh and slip in to a nearby tavern to pass the time. _Anything_ that you want, but let's please set this mopeyness behind us, eh?"

Gwaine fixed him with a near pout that made Merlin blink sort of dully back at him. Merlin briefly considered saying no just to see if the full fledged knight of Camelot would throw a tantrum there in the street but the seriousness of the moment came back to him and he found himself biting his lip and glancing up and down the road.

No one was around most people were either out in the fields or it town, there was nothing on the lonely stretch of road to invite people to stick around. Everything was peaceful and quite but for the secret warlock and the sulky knight sitting in the middle of the road.

Uncertain Merlin tentatively reached for his magic, he felt it shift slowly in his chest, sluggish and nervous all at once. For a moment he felt that it was looking right back at the knight along with him, sizing him up as if to fight, but there was no harshness behind the feeling, no violence but more of a growing fear. If Gwaine didn't accept him could he continue to protect Camelot, would Gwaine let him _live_ to protect Camelot. He shivered at the thought that his good friend might do him harm.

He stopped himself before the inevitable loop continued. Throwing a last cautious glance around them Merlin walked back and dropped to the floor just in front of his friend. Gwaine suppressed a triumphant grin and did his best to look serious.

"It's... hard to explain."

"You said that already." Gwain pointed out dutifully.

"Well this isn't easy." Merlin said scowling back. Gwaine lifted his hands in surrender. Merlin shifted his gaze elsewhere, hand lifting to grip at his neckerchief, "I... It's a secret I've been keeping for a long time, and it's got people killed before."

At the last Merlin's eyes lowered as a pang of pain made his heart constrict. He'd made mistakes before, people who kept his secret had died. Gwaine still had to know. Before he had time to convince himself Gwaine leant forward until he was once again looking him in the eye.

"I'm not going anywhere, Merlin." He said firmly.

Merlin smiled weakly but his expression remained sad.

"I hope not." He grimaced, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck, "I wish I could have told you this from the beginning Gwaine, but I've _always_ kept this a secret, pretty much anyone who found out did because it was an accident..." Merlin trailed off again. In the corner of his eye he could see Gwaine looking more concerned now. He heard him shift before the knight leant forward again.

"Merlin, you have always been a good friend to me, my first and my best. I hope you know I would trust you with my life and I hope you know that you can trust me with yours. Whatever this secret is I wont abandon you."

"You don't even know what it is yet." Merlin murmured.

"And yet I'm still sure." Gwaine replied.

Merlin smiled, he couldn't help it and though it wasn't his usual carefree grin it was enough to bring a smile to Gwaine's face in return.

"Now," Said the knight sitting back in an attempt to seem casual, "what is this terrible secret?"

Merlin hesitated for a moment more; his eyes darted back up the road they had walked down before he let them slide back to his friends face. It took longer to gather his voice then it should. For a second his mind raced to find a way to say things that would somehow make this easier but he couldn't. He could only settle for the simple.

"I- I was born with magic."

Merlin's mind went blank, he was still looking at Gwaine but he couldn't decipher his facial expression, because either Gwaine was just that good at hiding or Merlin's blind panic made it impossible to see. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears and he was certain that in a moment his vision would probably begin to darken at the edges. He wasn't entirely prepared for Gwaine's reply.

"Really, how much?"

Merlin stared at him for a moment. Blinked and stared some more.

"What?" He all but choked.

Gwaine rolled his eyes.

"How much? As in 'I can bend a spoon with my mind' or 'mountains quake at the sound of my voice."

"You're not panicking." Merlin said.

"I think you're doing enough of that for the both of us." Gwaine replied honestly.

"_Gwaine_, I have magic, doesn't that bother you at all?"

"I didn't grow up in Camelot _Merlin_." Gwaine reminded him with a slightly wounded scowl, "I've met plenty of sorcerers. I haven't actually _known _any very well but I've seen far too many passed out drunk in taverns to be able to regard the entire lot with the fear the people here seem to view them with." He eyed Merlin, "I've seen you passed out under the table an awful lot. Besides it's not as if you're going to enchant me or curse me. Or at least I hope that's not why you've bought m out here."

"Technically I could have enchanted you already," Merlin said quickly, "You have no way of knowing that I haven't- Ouch!"

Gwaine sat back again from where he had reached forward to hit Merlin over the head.

"You have such a suspicious mind, accusing your poor innocent self of such things, you ought to be ashamed." Gwaine reprimanded, his voice teasing. Merlin rubbed at his head with a bewildered smirk, "Why don't you be a good little sorcerer, accept my acceptance and friendship in good will and -I don't know- turn our water in to ale or something?"

Merlin laughed relief sweeping over him. He felt his magic sing as Gwaine began rummaging through the bags behind him. The sudden absence of fear and potential death made him giddy with relief. Gwaine started pulling out food and throwing it in Merlin's vague direction, somehow managing to miss despite how close they were. A moment later he turned back with a water skin in hand but the moment it was opened it was clear that Gwaine had already come prepared and Merlin didn't need to work out if the spell he had suggested was even possible.

"To my good health and the secret that you should have told me in the first place because it's not gonna make a blind bit of difference." Gwaine grinned at him before knocking back some of the drink and passing it to Merlin.

Merlin smirked and took some for himself, mentally hearing Gaius reprimand him even though the man was likely far more worried about other things.

Before Merlin could start worrying about magic, Arthur, Gaius or even the fact that he and Gwaine were sitting in the middle of a road drinking what was likely a very well stocked supply of alcohol –if Gwaine's continued rummaging through the bag was anything to go by- he felt his worries shut themselves away. Rather than cause pain his magic relaxed, sinking comfortably and quietly in to his chest as if for now it was content. Gwaine didn't need to worry about his troubles quite yet. He would tell him soon but for now Merlin decided he would rather deal with one hurdle at the time.

Besides Gwaine was retrieving more ale and as they likely wouldn't be doing any more travelling today it was best to leave those thoughts for another time. For all he knew Gwaine could know exactly the course of action to take and would solve everything. For now though he had his friend and more to drink then he could possibly managed. For now that was enough.

**I was really, really, really tempted to leave this on a cliff hanger but I decided it wouldn't be fair because of my slow writing lately, which in some part may be the cause of ****Grimm**** and ****Suits**** two very good new shows I am in too XD (They rock and they both have bromance, win) XD and maybe ****M*A*S*H ****as well, a not so new epic series that has one of my new fav bromances from series 3 onwards (there are like 11 series'! ****11!****) oh and it's just sooo funny. I better stop before I start squealing or something...**

**So yeah I'm morphing in to a complete fan girl for multiple shows and with school my attention is jussst a bit divided Lol... I also spend way too much time reading fanfics... Ah well :D I shall get working on the next chapter ASAP buuut while you're here if there is anything you would like me to add to this story before I start really rapping it all up do feel free to comment (someone asked after Gwen? I'm just really not any good at writing her as I cant in the slightest understand her character. Also in one of the outtakes she was bashing magic in that quite way she does :O) **

**Anyway I'll shut up now :P Thanks for reading, I hope the chapter was ok and would love to hear what you all think of it :)**

**SQ**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the wait I'll leave excuses to the end :P Thankyou again my wonderful reviewers who have given me the motivation to keep writing in these stressful times of exams and such. I am glad my Gwaine writing continues to go over well, I really love him and he should soooo have more screen time XD.  
>Also a note to Freya4070- thanks so much and no need to apologise you're far better at English than I am at French :P Thanks for taking the trouble to review :)<strong>

**Apologies this is unbeta'd and has been written over a long period of time so spelling errors and such are likely. **

**I don't own anyyything. **

Merlin had planned on telling Gwaine that he was dying. He'd planned on a quiet moment where he would apologise and slowly get around to telling him that his own magic was tearing itself to bloody ribbons. Gwaine would be angry of course and maybe Merlin would decide to omit Arthur from the whole story. That was his vague plan for the very distant future.

He had not taken in to account –stupid he knew- that Gwaine would drag him to the tavern on the way home and with further stupidity had been foolish enough to believe he wouldn't let Gwaine drink him under the table this time. Exactly the same thought that crosses his mind almost every time they go to the tavern and it always has the same result.

Merlin woke up under a table.

It was a pleasantly dim place to wake even if it smelt like ale and various other not so pleasant substances. His head was pillowed against something soft while his feet rested on something else. His head pounded and his mouth felt as if he had swallowed a squirrel. Then there was the strange buzzing whining sound he could only hear in one ear, the strange way his eyes kept blinking separately-

He was just about done cataloguing his hang-over complaints when someone flicked him in the ear. He barely avoided smashing his head against the table only to look around in to the dark eyes of a distinctly angry looking Gwaine who was lying down outside the relative shelter of the table.

"Get off." The knight grumbled irritably.

It was then that Merlin noticed the strange lump under his legs were actually Gwaine's chest. Despite being lighter and thinner than any of the knights he'd managed to affectively trap him. Some part of his foggy hung over brain thought there might have been a reason for this. He tilted his head back to look at Gwaine carefully.

"Why?" He asked cautiously.

"Because I'm going to kill the King."

He said it in such a reasonable tone that Merlin was already preparing to shift his legs out of the way before the actual meaning of the sentence caught up with him. Merlin stared at him.

"You can't do that." He rasped. Gwaine almost looked offended for a moment before Merlin waved him away, "Well maybe you can but you _can't_." Merlin hissed.

"_That_ made a lot of sense." Gwaine said sarcastically.

Then he dislodged Merlin's legs, effectively proving that he _was _lighter and thinner than any of the knights and couldn't trap Gwaine effectively in the slightest. He got up with a slight wobble before regaining his legs and taking one step forward. Merlin almost managed as well, darting out from under the table at a goodish speed he tripped almost instantly and tackled Gwaine, effective knocking them both to the floor next to a large rather portly man who was busy snoring in to the floor boards. For a moment they were both too winded to speak, Gwaine lying face down with Merlin half way on top of him, both still too full of drink to realise just how ridiculous they looked. Gwaine recovered first, propping his head up on his hand.

"Maybe you'd be ok if he died."

"The kingdom wouldn't." Merlin pointed out in a muffled voice. "Camelot needs its king."

"What about that git Agrivaine?"

"_No."_ Merlin said sounding appalled.

Blearily Gwaine realised this probably wasn't the best place to be disguising this. But then it wasn't as if anyone else was awake enough to hear.

"Fine what if I just threaten Arthur in to stopping?" Gwaine said.

"He doesn't know he's doing it, an he doesn't know I have magic, obviously." Merlin said miserably.

"Right..." Gwaine chewed on his lip thoughtfully. "Alright, we get rid of his magic!" He cried, proud of himself.

"He doesn't really _have_ magic of his own _exactly_; he just has a link to mine." Merlin said sulkily.

"Then we kill the link!" Gwaine cried again

"Arthur's already doing that," Merlin murmured, "and I'm dying."

"Ah."

There was a moment of serious thought as the knight debated this for a moment longer. He turned his head thoughtfully to the side.

"So we can't kill the link, and we can't kill his magic." Gwaine murmured. Merlin grunted his agreement, "Then the answer is clear!"

Merlin inclined his head to show he was listening as he murmured half heartedly,

"Really?"

"Yup, back to plan one, I kill him."

Merlin lurched forward just in time to pin Gwaine back to the ground as he made a bid for freedom. On a good day Gwain might have managed to shift him but he was still hung-over and had just spent the night under a table.

"_Mer_lin." He moaned in a way that was so much like Arthur it made him wince.

"You are _not _allowed to kill him!" Merlin snapped.

"You know Mer I think the killing idea has some merit." Grumbled a tired voice.

Merlin jumped as the voice and looked around to see another form crawling out from underneath their table. His head was bowed showing only his dusty brown hair in relative disarray and the travelling cloak slung over his shoulders. Merlin's hand flew to his neck as he noticed his neckerchief plastered on the strangers head.

"What are you doing with that?" He said in a rush.

"What?"

The man looked up brushing the neckerchief back from his face. Merlin stared at the roughly familiar features, slightly more ragged and tanned looking then when he had last seen him.

"Gillie?"

"Who else s'gonna be lying on the floor wearing your bloody rag on their head?" Gillie slurred scowling at him.

Below him Gwaine twisted round so he was lying on his back before sitting up, almost dislodging Merlin as he looked at the other man.

"Think you'll find it's a neckerchief." Gwaine said airily.

Gillie snorted, a slow lazy grin stretching over his face before he stretched and a click from his back caused the smile to be replaced by a pained scowl. He slumped back down to the floor.

"nghh" He murmured, "Bloody floor."

"_See_ Merlin," Gwaine keened clearly still tipsy, "_He_ agrees with me."

"He also has magic and tried to kill Uther once." Merlin said sourly.

Gillie hit him with a flailing arm, scowling darkly at Merlin.

"Shhhhh, knight!"

Gwaine blinked reasonably certain he should find out more about that but too tired and angry to truly concentrate on his so called 'duties' to Camelot.

"Back to the killing bit, I think I should, he thinks I should. The only person having a problem here Merlin is you."

"Yeah," Gillie piped up, "Then your magic won't die, you won't die and you won't have to clean socks for a living."

"Exactly!" Gwaine shouted, beaming at his new drinking friend.

Merlin buried his head in Gwaine's lap and moaned loudly in frustration. He wished he could remember exactly what had happened after they entered the tavern and at the same time he didn't, but with Gillie knowing the full story he just had to hope he had sense enough to make sure no one else was listening in. Gillie looked around with a yawn, frowning at the unkept bar.

"Where are we exactly?"

Gwaine looked around blinking slowly as he yawned.

"Erm, rising star, no Rising Sun. In Camelot."

"Oh, Merlin can I crash at your... medicine place?" He looked around, "I've lost all my stuff."

Merlin groaned. Muttering something that sounded vaguely like "I hate you both." Before wrapping his arms around his head.

"If Gaius doesn't let you, you can stay with me." Gwaine said naturedly.

"Right, and get implicated in the kings murder." Gillie snorted.

Finally snapping Merlin sat up and glared at the both of them furiously. He'd had enough of misery and death, he may have to die but he certainly wasn't going to take the once and future king down with him no matter what Gwaine thought. He wasn't going to let his... friend die at the hands of one of his most trusted Knights."

"You're not killing him!" he snapped furiously.

And he was angry and his head hurt and his chest was buzzing in that way that screamed that if he didn't calm down right now magic was going to burn him from the inside out. So really he should have been prepared for things to get drastically worse –it seemed destiny was only too happy to kick him when he was down- but even he was surprised by the familiar arrogant stride that he recognised the instant it landed on the wooden planks.

"Kill who?"

They both froze as the familiar voice in all its displeased arrogance drifted over them. There was a moment of stunned silence filled only by the sound of an expensive cloak brushing the floor and royal boots striding forward. Merlin closed his eyes, here came his destiny to give him a sharp kick. His magic shuddered.

"Princess." Gwaine acknowledged in a seething voice.

The Knight made a half aborted gesture to get to his feet before Merlin very determinedly pushed him back down. At first he was just surprised he had managed it, all the sudden his head was spinning and his hands and arms began to feel almost numbed with weakness. But then he remembered just what Gwaine likely had planed once he was on his own feet and redoubled his efforts to keep him down. Gillie lowered his head as if in hopes the Prince simply wouldn't see him.

Taking a calming breath and pushing hastily back at the dark edges of his vision Merlin looked up. His efforts may have gone some way to help him if his destiny hadn't looked so angry.

-M-

Arthur glared down at the pair, fury making him see red. He had been so worried, he's thought there was something wrong with his friend, forget that he'd been _sure_ of it and he hadn't stopped looking for him at all but for the brief amount of sleep he had managed before being shaken from sleep by yet more nightmares of Merlin's blood on his hands. He'd snuck down to the physician's quarters and passed a sleeping Gaius just to see that the boy was alright and had been choked with fear to find the bed empty and unused.

Not that he would admit to any of it, certainly not now his fears had been shown to be useless. While he'd franticly been playing out scenarios of kidnap, maybe even a misguided runaway or the ever popular Merlin being knocked out in the woods somewhere all alone. The truth of the matter had really been that his misguided manservant seemed to think it was more important to spend his nights in the tavern with Gwaine then to attend to his actual duties.

Then his mind had flashed back to other realisations. The night he had been on his walk and they had had their unpleasant run in. He had never asked Merlin where he had been coming from but it only made sense now, he had probably been in the tavern with Gwaine again. He hadn't noticed it at the time but Merlin had been quiet, he assumed it had been because of the pain but wasn't it just as likely that he'd run in to him because he was drunk? That Merlin remained on the floor because he was drunk? Arthur could simply have hit his head and Merlin, tipsy enough to seem sober had just gone along with his story. Extended time in the tavern also made sense of his paler then usual skin, why he looked ill and why Arthur was seeing him about his duties less and less.

Emotions battered at the King as he stood just outside the tavern door. Anger at being lied to, more anger at finding all his worries unfounded –which was strange as he should probably feel relived- and a jealously of Gwaine that he didn't want to look too closely at. The wave of anger wiped away all memory of the nightmares and Merlin's pained appearance over the last few days. His mind was made up, his anger binding him to any and all flaws in his theory. He stepped forward in to the tavern.

"Kill who?"

**Well that looks like me setting it up to get depressing again but I must admit now the end is in sight. With only a few weeks before my next and last round of exams I realllly should be revising, and I will be... along with reading, writing and watching tv... I am such an A grade student (not, obviously) **

**Now I am very very very sorry again for the incredibly slow update. I sort of got in to Trek fics and then watched the Avengers movie... the combined epicness mean my new plot bunnies have moved on to greener pastures**. **But while writing this I got inspo and while I will be needing to round this off soon I WILL be ending it. I refuse to leave a story unfinished! Even tht Sherlock fic I near forgot about...**

**I think thats all. Thanks again sooo much for your reviews, hopefully my updates will be getting a bit faster now. Now I just have to hack my own fiction page thing so I can upload this...  
>Reviews are still loved imaginary cookies are epic and thank you all very much for reading.<br>SQ**

**P.S  
>Did anyone else here that the next series of Merlin will be set like five years later? I was like WHAT! NOOO, thts more time for Merlin not to tell Arthur. Waa makes me sad, I hope it's just some horrible rumour :(<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**I think it is ****important ****to note that the (some of the) cast of Merlin prompted this chapter in to completion. Not that I met them but they did give me a start as I set there watching Live at the Apollo just a nice comedy program –wasnt thinking about Merlin or the revision I was supposed to be doing- when for a very very very brief time the camera fixed on people in the audience (usually random people no one pays any attention to) and in that split second of camera viewing in a dark room with people laughing I sat up and shouted "OMG GWAINE PERCIVAL AND ELYAN (I look forward to the spelling corrections) ARE IN THE CROWD!" Rewound it twice and then sat there grinning like a loon. Then invited my Merlin buddy over and we both sat there giggling like loons which may be sad but was fun so meh :P**

**It scares me that I am so obsessed I recognise their faces laughing in a dark room when I'm really not expecting them to be there... and the camera was there like ten seconds! And looking back the last season the writers are practically making them background characters... why do I want to go back to the tv and rewind it again?**

**Still not mine thanks sooooo much for reviews :P**

"Arthur." Merlin stumbled to his feet and was forced to grab a table as he instantly lost its balance.

Behind him Gwaine got up and Gillie half-heartedly clambered to his feet.

"Merlin," Arthur said voice seething, "I suppose you have an explanation for this."

"I don't- I-I'm sorry, I can still get your rooms done-"

"I seriously doubt that," Arthur growls, "seeing as you seem to be having so much trouble making it to your feet."

"Look princess-" Gwaine began in a near growl, seemingly forgetting Arthurs coronation for the moment.

"And I think you've contributed enough trouble for today _Sir Gwaine_." Growled the king.

Arthur then shifted his glare to Gillie who ducked his head and tried to look as small and unthreatening as he possibly could, until the once and Future King prioritised his anger back to Merlin and Gwaine.

"There's no need for you to come in today Merlin, in fact, why don't you take a few days off. Just to make sure you get over this... mysterious illness that Gaius has so much difficulty explaining."

With that Arthur turns on his heal and sweeps out leaving behind him a shocked Merlin and a Knight once again on the brink of murder. After a moment of blinking owlishly after the red sweeping cloak Merlin finally comes back to himself and leaps towards the door.

"Arthur!"

The sunlight almost blinds Merlin at first but he stumbles forwards all the same, mostly finding his feet on the cobblestone street. The few bystanders watch with interest but otherwise it is fairly peaceful with people either at home or at work at this time of day.

"That's enough Merlin." Arthur says over her shoulder in his best bored tone.

Ignoring Arthur's irritated tone Merlin skips forward a few steps to catch up with him.

"Arthur I didn't run in to you that night because I was drunk." Merlin said in a rush, "and how would that explain how you were in pain?"

"I already had a headache _Merlin_" He growled as if the words had been forced from him and glaring at Merlin as if he were precisely the one to blame, "I was going to Gaius' already before you decided it was better to make a damn fool of me then be caught out for drinking."

"Did I even smell like I'd been to the tavern?" Merlin pushed, "It's not something that's easy to miss, you wouldn't-"

"I wasn't exactly paying attention to what you smell like, Merlin." Arthur snapped, lengthening his strides as if to out walk the servant. Merlin who had the longer legs had the obvious advantage.

"You hardly need to pay attention to know when I'm drunk, Arthur." Merlin retorted getting fed up of Arthur's sour mood, "and even if you hadn't noticed I wouldn't just _lie_."

He said this last bit as if pleading with Arthur to understand, to recognise this was true. By this time Arthur was past listening. The King continued to stride forward, purposefully not looking at his servant even when he met him stride for stride. They were getting near the citadel now where there would be guards and Merlin wouldn't be surprised if Arthur was angry enough to sentence him to a day in the dungeon never mind the stocks. But even that seemed far less important than getting Arthur to understand. A few paces from one of the stone arches Merlin grabbed Arthur's arm and stopped them in the street. Arthur turned to face him and the absolute fury in his eyes almost had Merlin flinching back, but only almost.

"I'm not lying to you Arthur. I haven't gone drinking with Gwaine in weeks." Merlin watched as Arthur's eyes simply narrowed at him in suspicion. The servant was so exasperated he said something he would regret, "Gods Arthur don't you trust me at all?" He felt his heart slowly begin to sink when Arthur didn't emidietly reply.

-M-

"Gods Arthur don't you trust me at all?"

Arthur already had his mouth open to retort when the words actually registered with him and he froze in place. For a moment the anger that rushed through him like fire simply froze in place. Did he trust Merlin? He scowled at the small voice that instantly chirped up that of course he did and who could he trust more? The idiot followed him in to battle fields and right from the beginning did all he could to protect him even when Arthur didn't want protecting in the first place. He was brave and loyal, but that didn't necessarily mean he wouldn't lie.

Focusing back on Merlin the King saw the servant's eyes had gone wide with disbelief and what could almost be hurt lingering at the edges. For a moment gilt pricked at Arthur before his anger reformed unaffected.

Why should he be so worried about Merlin's feelings when the servant was _lying? _He had probably lied to him before and Arthur would have accepted it as he did the words of Morgana and Dragoon. Arthur had been worried sick; he'd had nightmares and sat through pained silences as if waiting for Merlin to collapse in agony at any moment. He even began to test how much of his food he could give to Merlin and how much the servant would eat. To find out after all that that his servant's slow movements, pained headaches and stony silences were due to being hung-over from nights drinking with Gwaine was almost too much to take in. The fact that Merlin was still denying it when he had found him on the tavern floor only added to his fury.

Merlin had dropped his arm and taken a step back. The hurt that had been stirring in his eyes before were now only too clear while he opened his mouth but seemed to have nothing to say, speechless, well that was certainly a rarity. Arthur glared at him one last time before turning to walk to the castle.

"Sleep it off." He said coldly.

Arthur refused to look back as he left his servant standing alone in the middle of the street but he didn't hear him move anywhere as his King walked away.

-M-

Gillie stopped cautiously inside the physician's chambers looking around slowly. There wasn't anyone home, Merlin he guessed was still with Arthur, while the Physician, Gaius? Thankfully wasn't back yet. The young sorcerer turned back to face the Knight at the door.

"Are you sure it'll be alright if I wait here?"

"Oh sure," Gwaine said waltzing in he picked an apple of the work bench, sniffed it and then promptly took a bite out of it, "when I first came to Camelot I practically lived here."

"Bet Gaius was happy." Gillie chuckled.

Gwaine grinned.

"You've met him then?"

"Well not really but Merlin told me about him and I saw him around last time I was here..." Gillie trailed off unsure how wise it was to tell a knight of the realm he'd tried to kill Camelot's King when he was last around.

There was a long silence as Gwaine perched in the table eating the apple and Gillie stood in the middle of the room trying not to fidget.

"So are you one of _those_ friends?" Gwaine asked.

Gillie blinked at him.

"One of what friends?" He asked.

"You know..." Gwaine wiggled his fingers in the air semi mysteriously, "one of those." The significant look the Knight shot him was lost on Gillie.

"What?"

"Oh for- If I threw this apple at you would you turn me in to a toad?"

Gillie started as if he had been struck by lightning his face going pale as he held his hands up.

"Oh no, me, no, I'm not- I wouldn't."

"So you are." Gwaine said grinning.

"No-"

"Relax I won't tell anyone." He said jumping to his feet as he finished the apple, " But I better be off to Practice if his royal Pratness will have _my_ head and then where would we be."

The Knight started walking to the door. Gillie moved to follow.

"What do I do if Gaius gets back?"

"Just tell him you're a friend of Merlin's, you'll be fine!" Gwaine shouted back over his shoulder.

Gillie groaned and looked down at his feet. He hoped the physician didn't recognise him, if he'd managed to forget him all together it would be a small miracle. Standing there Gillie rubbed his hands together awkwardly and hoped the young Warlock would be back soon. He'd done some research in to Merlin after he'd left, he couldn't really help it after he'd made such an impact on his life. He had dropped in on Ealdore where Hunith had quickly adopted him for a time while grilling him for everything he knew about Merlin's well being. For the most that had satisfied all he needed to know about the man.

Then he heard the stories. Stories of the powerful Warlock in Camelot destined to look after the Once and Future King, whispers of magic and destiny and Albion, at the heart of it the one name, Emrys. Gillie had replaced it quickly with Merlin, a knowing smirk on his face every time he heard of the stories. Merlin it seemed had been right about the spoiled prat.

But in all those stories there had never been any mention the magic bond turning on itself, never a whisper of one side of the coin slowly killing the other. He hadn't even heard any suggestion that it was possible and yet Merlin said he was dying.

Gillie frowned, his fingers tapping a distressed beat against his thigh. Realising there was no use standing there brooding he turned his attention to the nearest pile of books that seemed to be dumped haphazardly on the desks. Medical texts and journals mostly, but he did notice with a smile the occasional magic ruin sticking out, carefully hidden amongst the mess. Gaius must surely know what was happening to Merlin, he was probably looking for some kind of cure, other than speaking to the King outright that is.

Curious Gillie walked over to the nearest illegal looking volume and scanned over the open pages. '_To be bonded by magic is to be bonded eternally. No bond between two people could be greater, no bond could ever rival it and no bond such as this can ever be severed or broken, only irreparably destroyed and with it gone shall the bonded also be destroyed.'_

"What do you think you are doing!" Gaius bellowed.

Gillie jumped about a foot in the air and bit his tongue to stop the loud curse word that nearly left his lips. He span to face the Physician who looked as if he was caught between being thunderous and panic stricken.

"I was just, er, reading- well waiting for Mer-"

He was trying to think of a way to end this conversation without the physician feeling he needed to poison him to keep all the magic book business under wraps, but before he could finish Gaius's eyes scanned his face and widened.

"You! What do you think you are doing here again. You are-"

"I'm Gillie, I know- I didn't come here on purpose Merlin sort of dragged me here-"

"Merlin has gone to see his mother." Gaius again cut him off.

"Well now he hasn't," Gillie replied already hearing the slightly shrill desperate tone slipping in to his voice, "he stumbled out of some Tavern with this Knight Gwaine, recognised me and then they both dragged me to the next one, he told me why they were drinking, I cant remember much after-"

"He told you!" Gaius sort of hiss shouted causing Gillie to pause from the small rant in his head about not being able to finish a sentence around this man.

"Yeah," Gillie said quietly, "Emrys and the Once and Future King, big magic bond, burning from the inside out, magic destroying itself. He told me."

Gaius's shoulders sagged as all the energy seemed to go out of him at the reminder. Gillie stopped himself from sighing in relief now that the heated glare was turned away but only just. Gaius sighed deeply before crossing the room to drop his bad on one of the tables already piled high with clutter.

"I am still looking for some kind of cure." He said not facing Gillie as he set about righting some of the knocked over books, "There is still hope."

"Merlin didn't seem to think so." Gillie says before he can stop himself.

Gaius doesn't even pause to consider his words. It wasn't something he wanted to contemplate.

"Merlin is too fast to give up his own life just as he refuses to let others go. He is selfless, but that is of little use in this instance."

"Well, I'll do whatever I can to help." Gillie said in an attempt at least to warm the man to him some.

Gaius shot him a suspicious look as he straightened up to face the boy.

"How long are you staying?"

Gillie opened and shut his mouth again unsure for a moment. He wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place, how long was he planning on staying in the magic hating kingdom? Then again he didn't have anywhere pressing to get too.

"I don't really know. Until Merlin is... better, I suppose."

Gaius eyes him for a moment and Gillie shuffles uncomfortably under the hard stare. It's as if the man can see right through him and is rooting round inside his head for some kind of lie. Its deeply unnerving for a moment before Gaius sniffs, his eye brow arching back in to its usual place.

"Well I could use some help with Merlin unwell. If you do his work it will leave me more time to study."

Gillie blinked and then suddenly realising what he had set himself up for almost yelped.

"Wait, no, I meant I could help find a cure for Merlin." he said in a rush.

Gaius's eyebrow arches higher.

"As you will be, by allowing me to concentrate more on my studies. Now put your things in Merlin's room first I need you to deliver something to the stable master."

Gillie groaned realising there probably wasn't anything he could do to deter the man and ambled across the room to throw his bags through Merlin's door. When he turned back Gaius was rooting round the room scowling.

"I was sure I'd put it here somewhere..."

"What does the stable master want?" Gillie asked fairly certain that he sounded sullen about it but not really caring.

"He wanted my help sedating a horse that was giving him trouble, there was an apple..."

And suddenly Gillie didn't feel so sullen any more.

"Ah." He said at a loss for exactly how he could put this.

Gaius's head snapped up in an instant.

"Ah, what?"

"Well... er, that apple." Gillie hedged.

"Well what? What happened to it?" said Gaius sharply.

"Erm Gwaine... he ate it."

And as if on cue the sound of clanging armour was followed by Leon bursting through the door. Behind him Ellyn followed holding up someone's legs while behind him Percival carried the full bulk of Gwaine's weight; the unconscious Knight snoring in to his shoulder.

"Gaius! Gwaine, he collapsed in practice, we hadn't even begun." Leon says stepping forward.

The other two Knights pace over to the nearest bed before setting Gwaine down in it with worried expressions, Leon equally worried glances at the man. Gaius however just glares at the snoring lump as if seriously contemplating making his current condition permanent.

-M-

Merlin sat on the edge of the castle wall and stared at his feet dangling so far above the ground. With Arthur mad at him he felt hollow, worn out. The world seemed to be slipping away as all his hard work turned to dust and he just felt... _tired._ So unbelievably tired. He would just have to wait now, surely he couldn't stand much more pain. Arthur would realise he had been wrong then and that was a shame but hopefully he wouldn't feel too guilty. It was never really his fault all this, never Arthur's fault. He so often went in to situations blind, with so much being hidden from him, that he was bound to come to the wrong conclusions. Merlin sighed tilting his head back to stare at the sky. It couldn't be too long now, it was a shame he wouldn't see Hunith but he had days left, if that.

He hoped she would understand. He hoped Arthur would understand. There it was again, that hope. False hope, Arthur could never understand, so he would never find out.

Not long now.

**That looks a bit cruel. I'm not sure. I'm over tired. Running on freaked out nearly exam nerves. I have about 9 hours till my exam. Only to have another one about an hour later. First psychology and then the dreaded English lang nd lit. So sorry if i took my nerves out on the end of that chapter... just a bit. **

**Annnnyway I completely forgot what I what I was supposed to say here next. But thanks for the reviews guys :D I realllly love them, they keep me writing and make me very very happy :D I am also very glad that my views on what seem to be going on in the next series are shared by some of you :P skipping years is soooo cheating. **

**But before I ramble I better get to sleep so that I am at least partially awake tomorrow ( i havnt woken up that early in weeks if my writing stops completely the effort has killed me)**

**Thanks again guys you all rock:) hope you enjoyed and please review and tell me what you think :D  
>SQ <strong>

**P.S  
>Just remembered, this business with the pictures, or 'covers' for the stories, a bit strange isn't it? Well I edited a picture cover thing for this, mostly because I don't think I really 'own' the original but if I changed it, it should teck be mine (hopefully) :P Lol I make no profit from this!<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Ach been away so long. Those who read my profile will know that while in Mexico my lovely lil laptop died :'( Its taken me this long to recover the damn chapter and it isn't really finished but I thought I should at least let people know that I havnt died or something. **

**Anyway while I was in America visiting relatives the PC people told me my laptop was broken and recovered the memory. Apparently they were liars or idiots as now back in England the laptop happens to work fine. Except of course that they took the memory thing out X( So I have been doing edits on a tablet thing and its a bit of a pain. Thankyou for anyone who still remains with this story though I wouldn't blame you if you have been skiping over the chapters trying to remember what the story is even about :P Thanks and hope you enjoy this small chapter. **

Merlin woke up with a cry as pain tore through his chest, dragging him back to the reality of the waking world. The moment it did he threw himself to the side of the bed and was violently sick in to a large bowl that had been left on the floor for that very purpose. Sunlight was shining dimly trough his windows, testament to the fact that at least he'd been able to sleep through the whole night before his final day, but all in all he didn't feel any better for it.

His head hurt, his chest hurt, and after two dry heaves more he was left shaking and shivering on the side of his bed, pale and soaked in sweat. Still feeling as bone tired and weary as he had the previous night when Gillie had found him still perched on the wall, he didn't feel any confidence that he'd be improving before the end.

"You look like hell." A tired voice murmured.

Merlin perched his chin on the bed and didn't look up. He still wasn't sure if it was quite safe to move too far from the bowl just yet. Gillie pushed the door open the rest of the way, carefully eyeing the messy floor as he approached holding a cup of one of Gaius' hellish herbal remedies and trying valiantly not to scrunch up his nose at the smell.

"What time is it?" Merlin croaked slowly pushing himself up in to a sitting position on shaking arms.

"Too late for you to play manservant with the prat," Gillie said sitting down on the bed, " I found him a replacement that will stick around till you get better and the Princess said it was fine."

He didn't add how the King rolled his eyes in disgust, muttering that someone with such a low tolerance he certainly drank alot, or something along those lines that had Gillie itching to leap for his throat before deciding to settle on a far more discreet little jinx that would certainly keep the King busy for the day. Merlin didn't notice his pause. Instead a slight smile curved over his lips, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Sounds like you've been spending some time with Gwaine." He murmured.

Gillie shook those dark thoughts away and fixed a small smile on his face.

"Yeah he woke up briefly this morning, he's lounging around in the other room."

Merlin didn't need to know any of that, especially when his shoulders were already slumping and the smile so frequently on his face remain studiously absent. Judging he was at least managing to sit up reasonably straight Gillie handed over the steaming mug and watched as the warlock took it numbly and drank from it without hesitation or reaction. Gillie winced at the sight of it before fixing his eyes on the far window.

"You're getting worse aren't you?" He said quietly. In the corner of his eye he saw Merlin nod, "How much longer-?"

"Not long." Merlin murmured.

The silence that settled over them was thick and painful, as if the cold fingers of death were already reaching in to the room and draining the life from its inhabitants. Gillie struggled for something to say, something to make it better but what more could be said after '_I'm sorry' _and _'I'll kill the inbred sore excuse for a pratish King if you want?' _Nothing that came to mind now really seemed any sorts of right. Not when your best friend and one true hope for years turned on you so harshly, while indirectly and unknowingly slowly beginning to kill you bit by bit. Anything he had to say just seemed inadequate when faced with that. Instead it was Merlin who finally decided to break the silence while staring in to the bottom of his mug as if it were the most mundane thing he had ever seen rather than wondering what exactly it was squirming away in there.

"How's Gwaine?"

"Oh he's coming around slowly. Gaius didn't think it would be for another day or so seeing as the apple was dosed with enough to put out a horse for an hour or so. But its Gwaine so he's not all that surprised he was wrong."

"That's good." Merlin said, he downed the rest for the drink and Gillie took it from him before his shaking hands could drop it.

"Yer he's been mumbling about you, also about donkeys and something called a pudding law which I'm at least fairly certain he's made up. Anyway he should be awake soon."

There was an uneasy pause where Merlin stared at the floor. He still looked pale but the shaking seemed to lessen just a bit. His eyes though had hardened with a painful resolve, the hopelessness in them making Gillie's heart twinge in pity. If Merlin saw this though he didn't comment, seemingly too distant and withdrawn to notice.

"I'm glad, I didn't want to... leave without saying goodbye."

Gillie swallowed heavily.

"So it will be today then?" He asked.

Merlin didn't even hesitate,

"Yes, today." He said quietly.

With that he stood, still dressed in the same clothes from the previous day and walked out to find Gwaine, leaving Gillie behind him to stare off in to space. Gillie still had his magic, but it still seemed there was nothing he could do. Merlin would never fight against his King, not even if his inaction leads to his own death. But that couldn't be the end of this, could it?

-M-

**Yeah I know short :( but without my laptop it isn't the easiest to set out. Btw that wasn't the end, there are more chapters, or will be. That would have been the laziest story ending ever. **

**Sorry guys thanks for your patience :) I am very sorry but hope to get my laptop going asap as well as try writing up the rest of this story on other computers now that I'm back home.**

**Good luck to all A level students getting their results next week (I'm freaking out) and GCSE students getting yours... at some point (my cousin is freaking out) Try not to worry too much XP**

**Thanks for the reviews I love them and you guys just rock :D**

**Thanks for reading  
>SQ<strong>

**P.S **

**Seansay I would love to answer all your questions but It would take a very long time and take up alot of space. Maybe get a profile or something so people can message you? This is a fanfic so Arthur can have some magic if I say so and anyway what about the good ol 'theres a bit of magic in all of us' that I always thought was adorable. Besides in no point of the tv show have they said he is without magic in any trace or form and I blamed it on Nimuhe, born of magic-has magic, not that far off. The only other thing I remember you mentioning which is short is the two sides of the coin, which means a lot of different things to lot of different people so erm, yeah I cant remember your problem with that.**

**Anyway I'm gonna go get some more sleep. Usually I would be rewatching the Merlin advert by now but meh, sleep good.**


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm back! I'm mostly alive and I'm back! And here is this with all its angstyness and stuff… I am very tired right now but shall rant about that later! For now I thank all you patient people and all the new readers who hv started following, you all rock :) and of course thank all our lovely reviewers! Reviews are just… well, epic. SO thankyou :D**

**But most importantly OMG ITS NEARLY SERIES 5 TIME! Oh I just cant wait, crossing fingers for more bromance and wayyyy more Gwaine!... I could care less about the wedding- but lets not go in to that now XP**

**Anyway without further crazed rambling, I hope you all enjoy.  
>Big emphasis on the <strong>_**hope**_** part, I am actually very worried :P **

After spending most of the day seething angrily in the council chambers with a room of nervous Lords and advisors who jumped at his every word, Arthur decided it was best he retire early to sulk in his chambers instead. Most would call it childish, but he was the King so they would have to be careful how they went about saying it.

Nothing that happened in court could have made him particularly angry. In truth he wished it had just so he had a better excuse for his foul mood. Soon after leaving his servant he had heard that Gwaine had managed to drug himself senseless and would be out for an undetermined amount of time. The rest of the Knights were concerned about Gwaine and Merlin so Leon had called an end to the day's practices. On hearing that Arthur had simply dismissed him and gone back to his brooding.

Arthur never did particularly well when he was brooding. Anger and betrayal didn't make a healthy mix and the small speck of what he refused to believe was guilt still sat there, cold and motionless in his chest. It wasn't guilt because he had nothing to _feel_ guilty for, but yet no matter how many times he thought it (or said it aloud, really he should spend less time alone in his rooms) there was a small part of him that doubted, that picked and niggled at the events of the day, running them over in his mind. They were emotions he didn't face if he ever had the choice and he chose to deal with them the same way he dealt with any emotion related problems.

Which is why he woke up the next day face down in his paper work and nearly fell off his desk. Late nights and early morning sunlight never made a good mix. Desks also weren't made for sleeping on so the combined head ache and stiff neck sent him in to a litany of curses as he contemplated the many things he hated about the desk, the sun and life in general.

"_Someone woke up on the wrong side of the desk."_ His mind supplied helpfully, complete with the chipper amused voice of his servant, heard with perfect clarity.

Arthur snapped something back at the empty room and noted to add 'hearing voices' and 'talking to himself' amongst his other many problems. He looked up to find the room empty, which was on one hand a relief, but unfortunately meant he was lacking a servant and more importantly lacking breakfast. He also noticed how low the sun was in the sky and pushed back his estimate of the time by a few hours.

Great, so no breakfast any time soon then.

Still Merlin wouldn't be around for another few days so he had at least some chance of getting his breakfast on time. It still left him at a loose end for a few hours. He'd knocked out all the appear work he needed doing last night and there certainly wouldn't be any advisers to bother at this hour. It seemed he had reached one of those rare moments where the King wasn't needed, and it couldn't have come at a worse time.

He felt guilty, as much as he tried to deny it. The memory of Merlin's shocked, hurt eyes were enough to stop his anger in its tracks. '_gods Arthur don't you trust me at all?' _eight stupid words in a silly question that never should have been asked. To suggest he doubted the man who followed him faithfully for years, who walked in to hopeless battles against Dragons and creatures of nightmare, seemed ludicrous, even if he were just a servant. But then wasn't that exactly what he'd been doing? Not in so many words at least, but he ignored Merlin's plea of innocents, called him a liar. Then when Merlin asked the no good question, he simply said nothing. He trusted Merlin, of course he did, he trusted him more then he ought to, but then… The question hadn't been a serous one, it had been a show of irritation, frustration from Merlin. It was Arthur's lack of a direct answer that made it more. What must Merlin think of him now? An angry bitter voice that refused to be squashed snarled that he shouldn't care.

Arthur groaned and dragged himself to his feet, knowing he couldn't sleep for any longer. He felt the tell-tale signs of a nightmare that he couldn't quite remember chasing after his conscious mind but he didn't want to think about it, he knew what it likely contained, or more importantly who. He didn't need to be bothered by such ridiculous thoughts any more the idiot was _fine. A _fool and a drunkard but fine all the same.

Feeling his mind reeling back in to dangerous territory and that small blot of uncertain guilt gaining attention once again, Arthur decided to go with the next best method of dealing with his emotions. Finding as many weapons as he could get his hands on and hitting something, _hard._

The Knights may have skipped training but he had plenty of time to kill and a practically limitless amount of practice dummies ready and waiting to suffer his wrath. A King should always be busy.

-M-

Gillie had shut himself out of the physician's quarters, not wanting to listen in on whatever Merlin would say to Gwaine when the Knight finally woke up. Gillie had already had to endure and awkward conversation about keeping the man from killing Arthur when Merlin-… Well they were both reasonably certain that Gwaine hadn't been all that truthful in his promise not to kill the prat.

He'd spent his time ambling through the library, counting the semi legal books that were tucked in to quite corners or even hidden in plain sight amongst large boring tombs that didn't gather much attention. When he got bored of playing hide and seek with the paranoid librarian he went to the kitchens for food. Was promptly kicked out of the kitchens by an armed and angry cook and then left to wonder around the castle some more. He stopped doing that when he almost ran in to his royal highness trying and succeeding in butchering lines of dummies, fire in his eyes and fury in every swing.

It rather unnervingly reminded him that the man he'd been calling 'Prat' as if he were some harmless fool (something Arthur would only ever be in Merlin's eyes) was actually Pig-headed Pendragon Junior, ready and rearing to take up the witch burning torch of his tyrannical father.

He walked (scurried) back to the physician's chambers to help out (hide) as he had promised and lend emotional support to his friends (hide behind the angry Knight).

When he walked in Gwaine was awake and this time speaking in full coherent sentences as Merlin sat by his bed side probably only half listening as the Knight went on. But Gillie heard well enough.

"-if we can find Drago-whats his face maybe he will know of a cure."

"He didn't seem to manage so well last time." Merlin said quietly, eyes fixed firmly on the floor.

"Uther was on the way out anyway." Gwaine growled, "Surely if the man was that bad he would have killed Arthur while he had the chance, rather than risk his life to kill an already dying man."

Merlin sat back in his chair and pressed his lips together in a firm line. Gillie was crossing the room, perfectly happy to be left out of whatever it was they were talking about when Gwaine decided they needed a vote.

"Gill man! You agree that if we happen to know the vague whereabouts of an ancient knowledgeable Wizard we should consult him right?"

_Gill man? _

"You know if you want me to agree with you opening with a stupid nick name isn't the right approach." Gillie said with a frown.

Gwaine shrugged and stared at him expectantly. Gillie rolled his eyes.

"But yes consulting who ever his name is can't hurt."

"That's what they said last time." Merlin muttered though it was mostly to himself. Then he sighed and looked to his friend, "Gwaine Dragoon wasn't-"

The door slammed open before he could answer as a pile of books with legs walked in, followed by another who was then followed by Gaius who wasn't carrying anything at all. Elyan and Percival tottered over to one of the side tables and dropped the books.

"Thank you." Said Gaius with a huff, "Now if you would like to be more of a help you can take him-" He waved his hand at Gwaine, "with you, I have a lot of work to do and I would rather not see it get eaten."

The knights snorted with amusement, excluding Gwaine or course who pouted and looked decidedly sulky about the mention of that particular episode. Merlin stood up from the chair, partly to give Gwaine room but mostly in an attempt to put as much distance between himself and that conversation as possible.

"Come on mate," Elyan said eyes laughing as he took in his comfortable friend, "I think you've been lazing around for long enough. Best get you back to training and see if you're going to make a habit of nose diving at the first sign of conflict."

"That was not my fault!" Gwaine sniffed as he got to his feet, straitening his shirt with an air of put upon irritation, "But if you lot need me _so badly-"_

Percival snorted and slamming one large hand against Gwaine's back before steering him away from the irritated Physician and out in to the hallway. Gwaine went willingly but he couldn't help glancing back at Merlin as the servant retreated in to his room.

The door to the hallway shut just as Merlin shut the door to his room behind him, leaving Gillie standing alone with no idea what was going on. Gaius turned and glared at him.

"Well don't stand there looking gormless, we have a lot of work to do!" The physician snapped.

Which was when Gillie found out; that at least half of that huge pile of books was intended for him.

-M-

"I am so sorry kilgharrah." Merlin whispered in to the darkness of his room. He no longer questioned if or how the Great Dragon could hear him, he simply knew he could, "I failed Destiny, Arthur, everyone."

"No, Merlin." The voice whispered back, "It is I that should apologise. I had not foreseen this, had not thought it possible. I should have set more store in Arthur's feelings regarding magic."

I sharp pang shot through the young Warlock and those words that had been haunting him were repeated back.

"_I have lost both my parents to magic… it is pure evil_."

Merlin shook his pounding head as if to rid himself of the words but only succeeded in making his stomach twist and for a dreadful moment the room seemed to spin around him. He hated this. Hated the sickness that twisted his stomach in to knots, the guilt and the _pain, _but so far the feeling of complete hopelessness of the situation was the worst.

He thought about just storming up the stairs to Arthur's room, pushing through the door and demanding he listen. Telling his King that he was dying and that he would keep dying unless Arthur cold accept just one thing-

_It is pure evil_

Then Merlin would imagine an even earlier death, tied to a pyre under the furious eyes of someone who used to be a friend, waiting for the fire to consume him. Whatever remained of him would be buried by some cross roads in the middle of nowhere, without a headstone to even mark where he lay.

Merlin was fairly certain that he no longer feared death. It seemed it was coming either way. What he feared was the culmination of years of hiding, the betrayal and the anger of his friends. He did not fear dying, but he was terrified of what he would leave behind. In his mind his friends would mourn him, or they would loath him.

There were tears in his eyes even before the pain hit. The air seemed to thin, to the point he could barely breath. With a last force of effort Merlin pulled himself to his feet and walked from the room. He didn't pause as he passed Gillie and Gaius, heads down looking for a cure.

"Merlin?" Gillie asked looking up.

"I'm going for a walk."

Neither had time to answer before Merlin was darting out the door and in to the hallway.

He didn't have much time left but he had already decided where he wanted to spend it. If he could get there in time, it only seemed right that he would die by her lake. He had lost so much there, two of the people that accepted him the most. He turned away from the caste, taking the servants hallways that would whisk him as far away from the royal rooms as he could get. Then he would leave Camelot, for the last time.

**I'm not even sure that last sentence made sense… very tired.**

**Anywayy thank you so much my patient readers! Though it seemed like I may have died I was actually leaving the world of full time education and *trying* to get a job. (everyone wants previous experience, Aleves nd GCSEs are next to useless at this point) Stuff nd stuff. So I gave up and took up 2 volenteer jobs!... then a few days later was accepted for two paid jobs… sods law.**

**Now I am very busy… I work at Costa!... sorta, and I'm a waitress at a hotel… soon. AND I help the salvation army! Wooo now I may just sleep for a few years…**

**But yes here is this! Bit too much suspense on the angst and stuff? Maybe, but it's here and I say probs only 1 or 2 chapters left. Depending on how much I chose to beat Arthur up about all this. Then finito! **

**P.S**

**If you love history/cartoons/anime/stereo types about country's that take the complete mic out of everyone involved (mostly) watch Hetalia! Lol advert**

**England is grumpy drinks tea, swears kind of a lot and he's just funny. Adorable my fav depiction of England ever XP … also there was this cool crossover fic with Merlin….**

**P.S.S**

**Seriously tho no more rambling! Thank you all and have a nice day!**

**SQ**


	13. Chapter 13

**I have become one of those horrible writers who takes aggggges and I am soooo sorry. **

**But the Series final broke me NO SPOILERS HERE BTW. Tho yeah I am a broken writer now :(  
>Also I now have to work for a living but that is neither here not there.<strong>

**After much delay here is the chapter. Unbetad and unchecked because I know that I will not have time and this has been delayed long enough as is, so I am sorry for any and all mistakes and beg your forgiveness over the horrible no good delay. **

**Totally unforgivable but sorry all the same**

**I hope you enjoy.**

His dream had changed. He didn't know how or why, or even when it was he'd fallen asleep. He just knew that this one was different somehow. He was in the woods this time, alone, for a change no one was screaming. He knew he recognised the area as somewhere in Camelot but it didn't occur to him as where exactly until he heard a small splash cut through the relative silence on the forest.

He turned, or drifted, he didn't feel entirely solid until he saw on the clear blue lake and the distant mountains, but the moment he saw his lanky servant standing there something heavy settled over him.

"Merlin?"

Merlin didn't react but continued to stare down at the water as his boots sank in to the wet soil. Arthur bit his lip and looked around, eyes scanning the scene for signs of the phantom that tormented Merlin on some of his previous dreams, there was no sign of the screaming.

But then he looked back at Merlin. A soft sob broke through the silence, so suppressed it sounded almost like a gasp as he tried to stop himself, but that one small sound was like a dam breaking. Merlin crumpled, water splashed around his calves as he folded in to a mess in the lake, head bowed and obscuring his face.

He made a noise, a pained rasp cry that turned in to a dry rasp and with that everything seemed suddenly very clear. It was as if his eyes had been cleared, the slight blur of his vision disappeared, making everything seem too defined, too clear. The darkness was replaced by clear daylight, too cheerfully normal for the tragedy that was taking place in it, and with a startling clarity Arthur realised, it was all too _real_, as if it was not a dream at all and Merlin…

"Merlin?" He called out, voice shaky and high, nothing like the brave leader he was supposed to be.

Merlin didn't react. His pale hands reached up and wound through his dark hair, tugging and pushing as if he had a terrible head ache.

"Merlin!"

Still nothing. Arthur started forward but he'd barely made a step when Merlin screamed. Arthur couldn't see his face but the pain was written all over him, his back bowed, his head falling back as the scream broke off as if there were no sound to truly express the agony he was in. He rolled forward again, his hands winding around his stomach his body slumped to the side.

Arthur rushed forward, the illusion of actually walking when he knew he wasn't there, -but just _knew _ was real- barely distracting him from rushing to his friend who could be _drowning _in shallow water right before his eyes. He wasn't, the water wasn't quite that deep and thankfully he seemed to have the sense to roll just slightly on to his back, the water soaking his hair but his lips ghosting above the water and causing it to ripple with every struggling breath.

The water didn't react when Arthur crouched in it and when he tried to rest a hand on Merlin's shoulder he passed through him like a ghost, ineffective, useless. He needed to wake up _now_. But looking around he couldn't see or think of a single way to force himself awake.

"Help me…"

The plea was a quite whisper against water and Arthur didn't know who it was too but no one was coming. The lake remained still and eerily quiet, no one appeared from the trees or bushes, Merlin was left to die alone. Arthur wanted to scream, to grab Merlin and shake him, make him see that he was there and he was sorry, so sorry for being such an insufferable _idiot_ and that he did trust him and he needed him to stay by his side as his idiot friend. Arthur couldn't do any of that. Instead he rested his hand on Merlin's arm (or at least gave the appearance of it, he knew he wasn't actually touching him).

"You have to hold on Merlin, _please." _And he had never said that to his servant but the word left him now with an ease tinged with desperation, "I was wrong and I was a fool. I made a mistake- mistakes, I should have known-."

He reached for Merlin again with his other hand only to watch it disappear through his back. He groaned in desperation and felt tears start tracing their way down his face.

"Please Merlin, don't die."

It took him a moment to realise that it was not the tears that began to turn his vision foggy and then the world faded to black.

-M-

People who had seen King Uther in a rage did not soon forget the terror that he could inflict on a room, or even on the whole of Camelot. Uther's rage and grief had sparked witch hunts and wars , had killed on an epic scale, and the look in his eyes, the danger in his voice, would send even the strongest of men quivering on the inside. Uther was a terrifying man.

So it said something, that when Arthur stormed from the citadel that day, the old King had nothing on his son. Arthur's grief and guilt had quickly turned to terror and fear had always been quick to turn in to anger. Though he couldn't pinpoint what exactly he was angry at it seethed and boiled under his skin like a living thing, with the desire to both strike out and protect but with no clear target to harm and the man in need of protection dying out of his reach.

Knights who had scrambled to ask where he was going, with the idea to act as his ever present guards, were left stuttering and confused. Realizing their King was out of sight and protection far too late to do anything about helping him. On his part Arthur didn't want any help, didn't need any guidance other than the burning desire in his chest to find and protect, to get Merlin safely back behind the walls of Camelot and possibly lock him up somewhere to keep him from running in to further trouble.

He knew where the lake was and all that mattered was getting there is quickly as possible. He didn't realy pay attention to the means. He didn't take his own horse, that would require waiting for the beast to be saddled by stable boys that lacked any sense of urgency. Instead he approached the first horse that had been readied, distantly recognising it as Ishteir , Sir Leon's horse, before barking at the stable boy to let him lose before setting off in a gallop to the lake.

He didn't know how but as houses whipped by, becoming rarer until he approached the forest, as the world sped by around him but never quite fast enough, moment by moment it was almost as if he could feel Merlin fading, almost as if he could hear that terrible hitched breathing from his dream.

The sight of the lake would haunt him to his dying day. Trees towered over him on all sides, close enough together to make it difficult for the horse to pass. But there was something else as well, something eerie about the way the leaves moved as if every subtle flick of a branch had been slowed to the point it was almost as if everything were underwater. Arthur could see the glittering off the lake through the gaps and even that seemed slower somehow, almost blurred like the edges of his dream. Arthur dismounted cautiously, running an eye back over the trees as they all bent in the direction of the lake, all slowly leaning as if to an imaginary breeze that he couldn't feel.

Ishteir whickered at him, tossing her main uneasily behind him. Usually Arthur would calm her but he could feel the urgency bubbling under his skin, fear turning his stomach with every step he took towards the lake. One slow step got him moving, two more and he broke out in to a run. He didn't even think to tie the horse he'd left behind.

He weaved between the trees until the glittering strips of lake opened out until they filled all of his vision all the way to the distant mountains that had se intrigued him as a child and there, crumpled on the very edges of the lake, water lapping at his sides, lay his loyal servant as pale and unresponsive as Arthur had last seen him.

It was as if his body belonged to a different person, he could barely feel as his feet stumbled over uneven ground. His eyes never left Merlin and so he could barely keep his feet in his hurry. He stumbled before he got to him and ended up falling, his knees sunk in to the wet earth sending water splashing over Merlin's pale face as Arthur fell bedside him. Without thinking he pulled the young man up in to his lap, dark hair dripping water down his front. He tried to shuffle back but the position was awkward, his mind was just clinging on to that first fear '_what if he drowned? Drowned face down in shallow waters all because they had been so stupid-' _ Merlin hadn't been drowning but it was the first danger and possibly the only one Arthur could do anything about.

Arthur's arms strained to lift him higher until the younger man's head slumped back against Arthur's shoulder. He was still berthing, raged breaths brushed against Arthur's face but he didn't as much as flinch at Arthur's movements.

"Merlin!" He shouted.

No response. Arthur felt lake water dripping down his face, must be the lake water-

"Merlin wake up!" Arthur tightened his grip around Merlin's shoulders but when nothing happened he had to clamp down with his jaw to keep the whimper from slipping out, "That's an order Merlin!" He snapped when he had proper control.

It didn't sound like an order, even to his own ears he knew he was pleading, because this couldn't be happening, it just wasn't possible for this to happen to Merlin. He didn't even know what 'this' was but it had to stop now. Rage began to turn within him at that thought, because this was Merlin, this was his manservant and his friend and this was _not _going happen to him. The water that slipped over his cheek was warm, not lake water then.

Arthur choked back a strangled noise that he refused to let escape and buried his face in his servants hair, tucking his face beside his until his lips brushed against one of those ridiculous ears.

"I will not ask you again, Merlin." Arthur said doing his best to make his voice sound low and dangerous even as it shook with the force of his sorrow, "Wake up now, _please."_

There was a shuddering gasp that Arthur barely realised didn't come from him before Merlin's back bowed, driving his head back harshly in to Arthur's shoulder. Arthur pulled his face away just in time to look down in to wide blue eyes.

"Merlin?" Arthur gasped relief hitting him in a wave.

Merlin simply stared back at him, shock and confusion clouding his vision as he eyed his friend warily.

"Arthur?" He croaked, voice trembling. His eyes roved in his head as he took in the scene around him but he didn't move.

"Gods." Arthur whispered bowing his head over the servants shoulder once again.

"What's happening?" Merlin whispered, drawing Arthur back from his relief.

"I'm afraid you are going to have to tell me." Arthur murmured in reply.

He pulled back so he could see his servants face but didn't move to release him. Merlin had angled his head to the side so that he could look back at Arthur and the fear turning in those blue orbs was enough to turn his blood cold.

"I-" Merlin stuttered, looking out over the lake, "I'm supposed to be dead."

If Arthur hadn't already been scared out of his wits the finality in that sentence would have broken him. Instead he reached an arm around the front of Merlin's chest to grip his left arm tightly.

"Well you're not and you aren't going to die. I should have listened to you before and I'm sorry, but I'm here now and you are going to get better. We'll get back to Camelot and- and we'll stop this."

Arthur stared hard at Merlin, as if trying to force the truthfulness of the statement. But they needed to move and lying around in a cold lake was going to do more harm than help.

Arthur was so focused on trying to shift them in to a better position to move that he didn't see the way Merlin's eyes lowered. A small smile tempered by the gathering tears in his eyes. Dread and pain flickered across his features as Merlin realised what was going to happen. Apparently he couldn't be allowed to just die in peace, he had to see this through to the end, watch as Arthur found out the truth and suffer his anger before death. Unless, of course, he didn't kill him, unless-

Now, Merlin realised, if Arthur did turn against him after this, after all of this, then the death of this budding hope would kill him long before the fire reached his body.

**I know I am horrible. Sorry. Hope the spelling/plot/wtever wasn't too bad (tired I cant tell) **

**One more chapter and then it is the end! My plot bunnys have returned to me after long absence for this particular fandom and I am rearing to go. **

**Reviews are loved even if it's to scream at me for the long wait :P I'm not realy sureee how well that chapter went so advice would be lovely. I am blessed to have such wonderful readers and reviewers so far so I hope I am not too hated right now :P **

**Thanks again and I hope everyone is recovering well! **

**SQ**

**P.S **

**I haven't yet decided who should break the news to Arthur about how he is the one killing Merlin… bit of a tricky topic. But if anyone has any preferences do let me know :D**


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